


Good Times, Bad Decisions

by cleardays



Series: How we Fake it [2]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Drama, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, dan is a little less mad, kyle is mad this time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-05-08 18:53:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14700171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleardays/pseuds/cleardays
Summary: “Some time ago, someone said to me that some things are not forgivable. I didn’t believe that. Hell, I told them that they were wrong; but after what you did, what you said, there was no way in hell that I could forgive you, and I wish I didn’t mean that," Kyle expressed, avoiding eye contact with the man in front of him, because he knew that it would prove too much for him and he would lose.“You don’t hold back," Dan observed, his tone sounding a little hurt at the other man's lack of concern of his feelings.“And neither did you," Kyle reminded him, his harsh words followed by a silence so cold that even Dan wasn't sure that they could ever come back from.





	1. Piece it All Together

**Author's Note:**

> i'll keep the notes to a minimum this time I feel like i'm talking to you guys too much lmao  
> anyway I was writing this and looking at this from a different perspective, and I hope you like it?  
> also, if you haven't read How We Fake it, because this is part of a series, this won't make much sense I'm sorry

**Present day**

Kyle returned back to the flat after discovering the truth about Ralph and Dan, only to find the place an absolute mess. There was a table overturned, the bin in the kitchen had been knocked over and a shattered plate was scattered on the floor. Slowly, he took his time in making his way through the flat.

His blood ran cold at his discovery in the kitchen. It was a woman, and there was a trial of blood on the floor. The bearded man immediately recognised it to be Lucy. Kyle quickly dropped to his knees to check if she was alright. She seemed a little shaken, but alright still the same. When he asked her what had happened, her reply was cut short by the sound of the door opening.

It was the rest of the band, who guessed that Kyle would be back at the flat. In shock, they assessed the flat. Kyle realised that from where he was standing, things looked very bad. When Will asked what happened, things only got worse from there.

"It...it was K-Kyle, he lost it and attacked me."

Not that the bearded man was a horrible person, but he had never felt more angry in his entire life as Charlie completely ignored him as he was past the point of hatred for him. He helped Lucy up and tried to tend to the blood dripping down her forehead. Lucy's fake crying only made things worse.

"That isn't true, I walked in, she was on the floor, I went to help her," the bearded man denied, and anyone would have given his situation.

When he saw the way Dan was looking at him, he sighed and realised it was a battle that he could not win. The singer still  believed that last story that Lucy had made up, too. Kyle made his way out of the flat and to the nearest tube station, wanting to get away from it all. He didn't bother looking where he was going. He got off at a stop, realising it was his parent's house, though he went in anyway because they would be expecting him.

Attempts had been made to get a hold of Kyle for the whole night, but he had turned his phone off on purpose. The bearded man though he had temporarily erased Bastille from his life until Mark dared to call his house phone, to which his _dad_ picked up and he was told to go to the studio the following day. Kyle groaned and knew he had to oblige. He was sick of Lucy's bullshit and how everyone else lacked faith in him.

As he sat down looking down at his food at the dinner table, his mother frowned at him and sensed that there was clearly something wrong. The difference between Kyle and Dan's parents was that Kyle's parents never wanted to push him too far, so they figured that when he got some sleep, they would inquire about it in the morning.

Whilst he was chilling out in his own room, he smiled because it was _exactly_ how he had left it. It comforted him that even his parents got some things right every once in a blue moon.

In the morning, as much as Kyle loved his parents, he woke up early and left before they would get the chance to ask him about why he was so down. That had seen their routine for years, but the bearded man had never woken up with a clearer head after a night of sleep. He threw on his jacket, grabbed his keys and made his way to the studio.

He got there, signed in accordingly and went up to the room they would be in. Kyle was earlier than everyone else, and would have usually gone out for a smoke, but didn't have any cigarettes on him. As soon as he turned around, his heart skipped a beat as he came face to face with the singer. He watched as Dan clicked the door shut, locking it slowly whilst eyeing him.  The singer clearly hadn't slept well, his eyes showing his age.

Things only got worse from there.

Kyle had stormed out of the building a few minutes after Dan making an appearance.

When Mark and the others turned up, (with the exception being Charlie because he had been worried about Lucy so he took her to A & E in the morning) Will frowned. Dan seemed tense, and he wasn't going to tell anyone why. He seemed deep in thought, almost anxious.

Kyle came out of the building, and Mark could see him from the window. He pointed it out to the others, shaking his head. A wave of regret suddenly hit Dan. He had to say something. There was no point keeping things hidden from his bandmates - through thick and thin, they had always been his friends. Besides, it wasn't him that was the problem.

"Kyle and I are in a relationship," Dan admitted.

Given the current circumstances, the guys weren't sure whether to congratulate them or not. They looked at each other awkwardly, unable to communicate with each other properly because the singer was stood in front of them. _Fuck it,_ Will thought.

"We kinda...figured. We knew everything," Will confessed.

The singer nodded slowly and observed his friends. He wasn't sure how he pictured the confession to go. Even if his friends did already know, he had prepared himself for questions, though they didn't have any to ask. Regardless, he still had to let them know of one small factor. Dan sighed, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath.

"You can't mention this to him. He's really closeted about it. When we argued in the studio, he wanted to talk about being more than friends. I didn't want to because I wouldn't want our relationship to be a secret," the blue-eyed man explained, and he hated talking about his feelings so that had been really difficult for him.

The three men took it in, nodding and offering words of support, but in those moments, it wasn't enough. Dan wished that his boyfriend would see things his way, but Kyle was stubborn, and he had been that way ever since he had met him. In that sense, he could only think of one thing he could do to at least _fix_ the situation.

For the next month, Kyle had expertly dodged all texts and phone calls concerning Dan. Of course, his bandmates tried to contact him (with the exception of Charlie because of all the Lucy drama) but he had been successful in dropping off the face of the Earth. He wasn't at his parent's house ever, and even his parents were slightly concerned because he had taken his things and up and left without a word.

Allistair and Kyle met for lunch one day, and Kyle approached him with caution because he wasn't sure why the blond would invite him out. As far as the bearded man was concerned, he was sure that Allistair thought he hated him. Regardless, they sat down, and Kyle felt nervous. They ordered some food, had some milkshakes, but none of them had spoken.

"I couldn't pay rent, so I had to stay at Ralph's," Allistair admitted.

Feeling confused, the other man stared down into his cold fries, hoping that they could provide him with an answer as to why the blond was telling him that.

"Aren't you loaded?" Kyle assumed, because of his accent as nobody he knew spoke like that, and he had big friendship circles.

The blond let a small chuckle escape his mouth as he looked down at the floor, a faint blush spreading across his face.

"My fucking parents are, until they cut me off when I didn't want a place in the family business," Allistair mumbled under his breath, and Kyle was right to think that he would learn a new thing every day.

In light of recent events, he was more than happy to listen to someone else's problems than his own. Allistair asked him how he was doing, and since he was a nice person, he avoided the whole _Dan_ subject and where he was living.

Kyle went back to a friend's house. It wasn't too far away from Dan's flat, though nobody knew about that friend, so that he was thankful for. Her name was Claire, and she always had manicured nails and a ridiculously wide grin on her face, so they got along well. As of late, they had been finding it difficult to gel because of Kyle's change in attitude. She tried to ask him what the problem was, but he wasn't going to open to to her, to his bandmates, to anyone.

Claire sat him down when he returned from lunch. The bearded man already sensed the atmosphere, and he could only predict what he was in for. Of course, Claire cared about him a lot. They'd known each other for a long time. She gripped onto her cup of tea with her manicured fingernails, rising a glance at her friend.

"Kyle, what are you running from?" the woman asked him seriously, her eyes wide with concern for she knew the man too well, perhaps even better than Dan.

"Everything," he replied honestly.

As close as he was to Claire, he wouldn't, he _couldn't_ tell her about what happened in the studio with Dan. He knew it would make her mad, and he didn't want any further involvement. It had been a private matter, and it would have to stay that way.

Later that night, when Claire went to work because she worked late, Kyle took a knife from the kitchen. He looked into it for a moment, observing himself. A few seconds had passed where he thought about something, but dismissed the thought quickly. Looking at it was only making him more angry about his situation, and he knew how anger twisted some people.

Lucy.

He would have started there, you know, to _fix_ things, but he knew that wouldn't be enough. Regardless, he knew were to find her, and he arranged to meet with her. They walked through the park at the height of autumn, with all the leaves at their feet.

"You win. After all, you're not the one destroying my life. Dan is."

Lucy frowned. There was a moment where her green eyes observed him, and a hint of emotion could be seen in them. She thought about her actions for a moment.

"I didn't want things to be this way."

"Hey, I'm just collateral damage. Besides, you did me a favour."

When he got back to Claire's, Claire noticed his change in mood when she came from work. With her being a good friend, she tried to ask him what was wrong, but Kyle got annoyed and stormed out of her flat. His anger had reached an all time high, and one would start to wonder whether he had really lost his cool with Lucille.

As soon as he came out of Claire's flat, he bumped into someone. The bearded man apologised, hoping that he wouldn't get into a fight with a drunkard or something. However, when he moved out of the man's way, he recognised him. He was almost the _last_ person that Kyle wanted to run into, and worst of all, there was no escape.

"London's so big, yet we're still bumping into each other," he noted, eyeing him slowly, and Kyle thought about it for a moment, questioning the years that they had known each other.

The bearded man turned to look at the night sky, and he figured that it had been a bad idea to storm out of Claire's place, but he couldn't go back in there. He couldn't face the thought of possibly upsetting her. Plus, he would see him go inside, and nobody knew about that friend. Kyle had always liked his privacy, and when his friends tried to invade it, it only made things worse.

"Or you're stalking me," Kyle pointed out.

His dig was followed by a chuckle coming from the other man as he looked down at his feet, and suddenly the atmosphere turned frosty. The mature thing would have been for them to address the elephant, but there was no point considering that one of them was in a stubborn and hot-headed mood.

"Smoke?" the man asked him, fishing for cigarettes in his pocket as he held the lighter in his other hand.

"I don't touch them," Kyle dismissed the thought, because that was an addiction that he didn't want to have.

The man shrugged, lighting his cigarette in front of him and exhaling smoke, most of which was blowing back into the other man's face, but he didn't mind. He had a habit of doing that, it was just his character.

"Some people rarely touch it, but it touches them often."

Suddenly, Kyle felt a bit uneasy. He knew where that was from and how the story ended, and he certainly didn't like where the conversation was going.

" _Streetcar Named Desire_."

It was hard for Kyle to hear, hard for him to piece together, but he listened as the man told him that it would be best to get back in contact with the rest of the group soon. As much as he didn't want to listen to them, he figured it was the right thing to do. After all, there was only so much money he had in his bank account, and he couldn't keep staying at hotels.

Of course, it was time for Kyle to piece it all together.


	2. Glory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's a bit late, it's been a crazy week. I've been REALLY ill, but I am finished with exams now.  
> hope you like this one, i'm sorry in advance for this chapter I wrote it and thought it was a bit trash but it needed to be a bit short

  
Kyle had a headache one morning, and no amount of painkillers seemed to have been doing it for him, so he turned to alcohol instead. Headaches weren't always his problem, it was usually Allistair who got terrible migraines, and he would always tell him to man up whenever he was around.

He would lay in bed for what seemed like hours. When he would finally be motivated to get up, the motivation disappeared with the swarm of texts and phone calls from the people in his life. Though, he remembered he had made a promise to someone to fix things in his life last night, and he knew that if he didn't do it, things would only get worse.

So Kyle caught the tube, made his way out of the station, taking a deep breath as he knocked on the door to Dan's flat. The singer opened it, as he and the others had been expecting him. As predicted, Charlie wasn't present. Kyle preferred it that way, anyway. The bearded man walked inside, but didn't advance much further. He rested his back against the front door as he faced his bandmates and a concerned Dan.

"Your parents said how you were mugged, are you all right?" Dan asked him, genuine concern to his voice, but it didn't sound that way to the man stood opposite him.

Dan reached about to place a hand on Kyle's arm, but the singer stopped in his tracks when he saw the way the bearded man's body arch away from him. The blue-eyed man retracted his hand, feeling hurt by the movement. Woody and Will had seen it too, and that did look too good.

"Fine," Kyle replied, and he had a feeling that the man had been to his parent's house, that was so like him.

Silence passed, and his bandmates observed him. It was clear that there was still some tension, but Woody and Will didn't see it as their place to ask that.

"Your stuff isn't with you," Dan pointed out.

Kyle shrugged. _Did it need to be?_ He and Dan had been in the same position so many times that he didn't have the energy any more. That energy was gone, and he wasn't sure if he could get it back. The bearded man figured that things couldn't really be fixed, so he opened the door as his hands were resting on the handle, but felt a wave of tiredness wash over him and a pounding sensation in his head.

Woody asked him if he was okay, but Kyle didn't reply. He felt the world darkening around him, and he took a step, trying to get a grip and regain his balance. Somehow, he got a grip, and decided that would be the perfect opportunity to leave as quickly as he could.

He travelled for some time by foot, not wanting to go on the tube because he couldn't be bothered for the sweaty travellers and women gossiping loudly on their smartphones. Once he felt as if he was at peace, he bumped into someone unexpected. He tried to evade their gaze, but they grabbed hold of his arm.

"Funny for you not to greet me. Where you headed?" Lucy asked him, her green eyes looking into his soul, making him shiver slightly.

An annoyed Kyle groaned, separating her hand from his arm.

"The station. I'd like to be left alone," the bearded man replied, and it was a surprise that he could still talk to the woman considering the anger he had for her.

Though, by that point, it was more disappointment. Lucy watched him go, and Kyle walked for another half hour before he got to the train station. He took in the fresh air, watching the people go by.

All wasn't as it seemed, as the scenery was ruined by a loud, deafening noise. Kyle froze as he tried to make out what it was, but the loud whirring of a train going by blocked it out. It was followed by another. In the loud heat and chaos that was the world around him, he found himself on the floor, with moisture running down his forehead. He opened his eyes every now and then, trying to make sense of what had happened.

Kyle grasped the ground, the dirt underneath him. As hopeless as he was, there was still some fight left in him. The grass slipped through his fingers as he grabbed the earth beneath it, hoisting himself up very slowly. White noise surrounded him, and his vision hadn't yet cleared, but he knew the feeling of pain down his right side.

Lucy happened to be at Dan's flat, sat beside Charlie when she saw something on Twitter. Her eyes widened when she saw the incoming tweets, and her phone was going crazy. Charlie saw, he told Will, Will told Woody and Woody told Dan. Lucy's face turned pale.

"I-I-I saw Kyle. About twenty minutes ago."

" _What_? And you didn't say anything? We've been trying to track him down for the last two and a half months, let alone-"

Woody placed a hand on Dan's side, and he stopped ranting for a second, trying to take the bad news in. He tried not to think of the worst, though his hands were shaking as he stepped outside. Woody offered to drive, and they travelled to the nearest hospital to them because traffic near the station was ridiculous.

White noise came by again, and that time, for Dan as he walked into A & E, chills down his spine as he looked at all the bloodied faces being wheeled around the hospital. He tried to get the images out of his mind, but his throat was incredibly dry. Dan's face was white as a sheet of paper as he ran up to the front desk, trying to find out where his boyfriend was. A nervous Lucille stayed by Charlie's side.

A & E was packed, and the band found themselves stuck there, even though Dan wanted to move from that area because he couldn't see his boyfriend anywhere. Lucy bit down on her fingernails, trying to hide her anxiety and guilt.

Before they knew it, an hour had passed and there was no sign of Kyle. They'd tried to call him but were unsuccessful. Dan considered calling his parents, but had a feeling he would hate that.

"What if he's dead?" Dan asked Will seriously, as it could be a very real possibility, since he people passing them by in desperate need of help didn't look so good.

"You need to fight for this, Dan," Will pointed out, and it was something that he had wanted to say to him for a long time.

The singer took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. Of course, they lived in London, but he never thought that Kyle would get himself in the middle of a possible terrorist attack. Dan couldn't help but think of Kyle alone somewhere, suffering.

Time froze.

**2 and a half years ago**

A drunk Dan and Kyle were roaming the dark streets of London when they came across a cul-de-sac that Kyle pulled Dan into. The singer didn't question him. They came to the end of the road, and the singer could just make out his friend's face in the pale moonlight. The bearded man gestured to follow him as he sat down on the pavement just near to the end of the road, his lower back resting on the curb. Raising an eyebrow, Dan followed suit and sat next to him.

Kyle's gaze was on the vast night sky in front of them, the stars, the unknown. Dan couldn't help but state too, wondering what was out there waiting for humanity. They happened to be on the flight path, and Dan _knew_ the idiot had taken him there on purpose because the blue-eyed man always talked about watching planes with his father when he was younger. _At least Kyle listened to him,_ he thought. He smiled as he savoured the setting they were in.

It was satisfying as one plane went by, and in his drunkenness, Dan loved how it looked, white and blurry in his vision but breathtaking all the same. They were lying in the dirt, but it was beautiful all the same. No words were said as they watched the planes leave them behind for ten minutes.

"We should get on one of those, you know - never look back," the bearded man suggested, and the more Dan observed him the more he started to like the idea, perhaps a bit too much.

The blue eyed man chuckled, a blush rising to his face as he could picture them doing that. Then again, Kyle was drunk, so Dan knew not to take whatever came out of his mouth too seriously.

"You mean a plane?" Dan suspected, his smile turning into a wide grin.

Kyle nodded, taking a bottle beside him and downing it before turning back to face his friend. The bearded man gestured for the other man to look up, which he did. Dan didn't understand what he was looking at. Kyle whispered something to him, and he realised they were looking up to heaven. Even in his drunken whispers and laughter, Kyle was real, and Dan loved that.

The singer took Kyle's drink playfully, consuming some of it before passing it out. Kyle gave him a death stare, which caused Dan to laugh hysterically. Not that he could help it - the bearded man had always had a good taste in drinks, whenever he picked something new or made strange concoctions, they _always_ worked. Everything about Kyle worked, and he was not without respectable qualities.

"I'm dying," Dan exclaimed, as he wouldn't be able to erase that look from his brain.

There were a few lingering seconds where the brown eyed man looked at his friend for a little longer than he should have, and time froze temporarily when he began to realise that he admired what he saw. It was a breaking point beyond all breaking points.

"Can you think of any better way to choke?" Kyle wondered.

As the singer studied the night sky, he thought about it for a moment. He thought about how nice it would be for them to confront their feelings for one another, to get on a plane and let their feelings take them to where they needed to be. But he knew that was a dream, because they would wake up the next morning in separate beds in his flat, and things would be the same as they always were. They would get drunk, go home, and Dan would feel empty. Kyle would feel tempted, and then the night would end.

"When I read Paradise Lost, I saw a glory in Satan that I didn't think possible."

Slowly, Dan turned to Kyle. He happened to be a fan of English and knew that Kyle read, but he wasn't aware that it was classic books. His interest in the conversation increased, and he found himself wanting to hang onto every word that the other man would say.

"Glory?"

"To justify the ways of God to men, but all their words for glory...they always sounded...empty."

The singer noticed that the bearded man seemed kind of sad when he finished his sentence. Kyle had something else to drink whilst Dan watched him out of curiosity, trying to think about what he had said. He was familiar with Milton's work, but hey, that was some time ago.

"You're drunk," Dan thought to mention, because he knew that the man had no idea what he was saying, no matter how sober he tried to appear

Kyle shrugged.

"I'll take my chances on the curb here with you," he decided, with a quick smile followed by a big grin from ear to ear.

To show his point, Kyle linked his hand with Dan's. The contact should have been nothing, but it was everything to Dan. It made his heart skip a beat, it made him nervous. The singer gasped, losing his breath as the other man pulled him closer to his side. His heart was on _fire_.

"Kyle, what are you-"

"Looking up for heaven."

The singer saw what he was talking about when Kyle pointed towards what they recognised to be a shooting star. They both made a wish, closing their eyes before opening again just in time to witness the shooting star to travel across the night sky and disappear into the darkness. Dan felt oddly settled looking down at their hands intertwined.

Nights like those were the best nights of their lives, and from then on, they would only crave more.


	3. To Stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry guys there's hardly any context for what happens here but it will make sense soon, I swear :')  
> prepare yourself btw

**Present day**

Kyle sat on a bench in the crowded hospital. It was unknown how long he had been there, but he was unmoving. Dan was stood in front of him, and the rest of the band around him. Kyle had not said a word for over an hour, and Dan was starting to worry. He suffered minor injuries that had not been seen to. His head was bleeding, and the blood had dried down the side, his nose was the same and his lips were cracked, but he was lucky compared to some others, and they _still didn't know_ what happened at the station.

Will offered for Kyle to come back with them, but that was the last thing that the bearded man had wanted. He put his hand to his lips, thinking for a moment. His parents fussing over him wouldn't sound too bad, but he wasn't in the best mood, and they would ask him why. He hated questions, he was too lethargic.

All of a sudden, he surprised the group as he got to his feet. Woody frowned at him, wondering what he was doing.

"Where the hell are you going?" Dan demanded to know, because there was ok way he was letting that man out of his sight.

"I'm going to buy some food. I'm starving," Kyle mumbled.

The singer chuckled, and with one finger, he pushed the other man back onto the bench. The bearded man sat with his arms crossed and a frustrated expression on his face.

"You've just been involved in a potential terrorist attack and you want to get _food_?"

"Wait... _what_?"

Dan scoffed at the man's ignorance, and watched as Kyle began to look nervous. The singer and Woody then complained that he had not been listening to them talk for the past hour. He figured that the guys had already let his parents know. Kyle pulled out his phone, and sighed at the shattered sight of it, surprised that it still worked. _23 missed calls?_ His Twitter was going _crazy._

"I don't remember how I got here," Kyle realised, trying to fit some pieces of the time together, but he couldn't, as hard as he tried.

Will and Charlie exchanged nervous glances. That was a problem. It was as if Kyle had opened his eyes, and he had magically appeared on the bench he was sitting on. Woody asked him a few trivial questions, to which he would answer fine, but anything about the last  few hours, he could not.

Woody had called Ralph about half an hour ago, and he appeared, panting heavily. The drummer apologised for his sudden appearance to Dan, but by that point he was pacing like crazy.

"I called you," Ralph reminded Kyle.

"I don't remember," Kyle replied honestly, blinking rapidly.

Ralph looked at him for a moment. He'd looked worse on better days, though he still cared about him. Then, Allistair emerged out of a room, and Ralph hugged him immediately. The blond seemed a little confused, hit returned the hug all the same. The others were happy to see him, too, whilst Kyle sat where he was, not knowing what was going on. His confusion grew, as did his frustration.

"Wait, you can't remember anything? What did you try to do just now?" Dan questioned him.

As they feared, Kyle shook his head as he couldn't remember causing a fuss about being hungry. A nervous Dan sat beside him, his leg shaking as the group tried to work out what was wrong with him, but it was obvious. They had to wait another half hour, and a doctor had concluded that Kyle had a slight concussion, which had caused him to have short-term memory loss. They wanted to test his blood as well, and that took a few more hours. The same doctor and a nurse had mentioned Kyle mixing alcohol and medication, and how that hadn't helped him, but he had been lucky that the damage wasn't permanent following the trauma from whatever happened at the train station.

Kyle would stayed at Dan's apartment, and woke up in a sweat, panting and breathing heavily as he had relived the events before he had been taken to hospital, but his mind was not aware of it when he had woken up. It was seven in the morning and everyone was still awake. Dan was at bus side, and he reached for his hand. However, Kyle gave him an accusatory stare and Dan withdrew it. Will noticed that, and a frosty atmosphere followed.

"I'm gonna go," Kyle suddenly announced, making Woody frown.

"Go? You can't even remember what happened last night," Woody dismissed the idea, because there was no way the band were going to let him go outside where people could take advantage of his memory loss.

"I do, Ralph called me because...I left him a voicemail because I was going to meet Allistair at the station," Kyle explained, but his mind had left a lot of details out.

That made sense, but Dan was growing frustrated. He wanted Kyle to be alright, and everyone was trying to make sense of the doctor's news. He said his memory would come back within the next week because it wasn't serious, but witnessing it still worried Dan. They were told to let him remember things by himself. When the bearded man patted his clothes for his phone, he was surprised to find it shattered to pieces. He looked at the singer for an explanation.

"I feel...angry with you. I don't know why, and I don't know what you've done," Kyle mentioned, hoping that he could make sense of it himself.

"That isn't for me to tell you," the blue-eyed man replied, and that was the right thing to do - at least under doctor's orders, anyway.

Later that day, Charlie left the radio on. Kyle happened to be coming out of the bathroom when he happened to feel the familiar feeling of the song. He realised that it was one of their songs, but he felt as if there was a memory attached to it he should have remembered. The bearded man sat down and tried to collect his thoughts for a moment. He raised his head slowly and looked across at Dan. Dan saw the way Kyle was looking at him, and he didn't like it, taking it at his cue to leave the room, but by that point it was too late.

"I can't stay here," Kyle announced.

The confused band mates were amount to say something until Mark, who had stopped by, silenced them for a moment because the centre of conflict was clearly between the two. It wouldn't be right for any of them to intervene, considering that things were already hell, and they would probably only make it worse. After all, only Kyle and Dan knew what they were arguing about.

"Hasn't this gone on long enough?" Dan mentioned, hoping to catch that flicker of emotion in his eyes, but he was disappointed when he saw none.

"Don't wanna talk about it," Kyle snapped.

Dan sighed, gesturing for him to just leave. He knew that if he challenged his boyfriend, if they were even still dating anymore, it would go badly, and everyone else would have to watch. Ralph, who was present at the time, was itching to ask him why he had let him go. It had barely been half a minute since Kyle left, but even he was considering talking to him.

"He isn't mad about _that_ ," Dan pointed out, with _that_ being him and Ralph, causing Ralph to come to a halt.

"I know," Ralph replied, his voice quiet.

The singer pulled a puzzled look. He would have thought that everyone in the room would be on his side to help him, at least. All he wanted was Kyle back in his flat and talking reason and communicating with everyone. Was that too much to ask?

"Then tell me."

"Have you not clocked it?"

A silence fell about the room, and Will put the pieces together in his head. One by one, everyone in the room realised what Ralph had said. It took Dan some time, but he thought about it. Once he realised, he could feel an anger flowing through his veins.

"You and Allistair have actually seen Kyle these past two months. He's been telling you shit and you neither of you bothered to tell me? I've been worried sick."

"Dan, you don't understand. It was personal. Just keep your head on for a sec."

And off Ralph went to chase after Kyle, and an unimpressed Mark tried to figure out how long the disunity would continue for.

**2 months ago**

A woman sat in a big house, making herself comfortable on the lounge chair, her purse firmly resting on her knees. The racket coming from a three year old in the other room could be heard, and at that, she rolled her eyes, tapping the furniture in front of her with her manicured fingernails as she waited for him. There, a man appeared, emerging from the bedroom. He sat down opposite her.

"You seem troubled, Lucille," the man pointed out, putting a cup of tea to his lips, breathing in the steam escaping from it.

"I think this is going awry. I've humiliated this man, I've made his friends think he's hurt me, but he is going along with this. That isn't what I wanted," Lucy explained her dilemma, and it was a bittersweet one, but she still wasn't sure what to do in order to gain the full satisfaction she thought she deserved.

"Have you not any dirt on him?" the man asked her, and it was a good question to ask since she was fussy in her payback, though she needed to take whatever she could get.

She shook her head. The dirt she had, everyone else seemed to have known anyway, and she would be found out instantly if she released it.

"His family then," was all the man whispered.

Like any human, she did have a guilty conscience, but it had always been smaller compared to that of an average person. Lucille shrugged her shoulders before getting up, considering it. Then, she nodded and figured that it was time for her to get to work.

**Present day**

Kyle looked in the mirror before adjusting his tie. It was an ordinary black one, and he wore an ordinary black suit. Of course, he and the band hated formal attire (except Charlie, he looked good in anything). He felt a sense of doom looming over him as he left the house. His parents drove him to the destination.

It was a nice church, a couple of minutes away from his house. The fact that it was local in itself made him a little sad, but really, he was emotionless that day. Like a robot, he walked into the church. His mother asked him if he was alright, and he shrugged. It wasn't the right setting to be all right, far from it.

He walked inside slowly, greeting people who greeted him, flashing smiles at those who were too busy to go over to him and the like. Kyle sat down near his bandmates respectively, choosing not to kick up a fuss in such a place as he sat down in silence. He purposely chose not to sit next to Dan, and he opted for Ralph instead.  Allistair frowned at that, but the bearded man honestly hadn't meant for it to look malicious.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kyle already knew that day was going to be hard for him when he could hear Dan sniffing, and even though he couldn't see, he could sense the tears already falling down his face. Kyle's eye twitched and he began to feel a bit unstable himself, taking deep breaths. Ralph noticed and squeezed his leg slightly.

"I'm not going to lie, and I know you don't want to hear it, but he's been a _mess_ ," Ralph whispered slowly as the service started, and the coffin was brought out.

"I don't think I can do this. I-I-I _knew_ this was b-bad idea," Kyle stuttered.

Watching the coffin of someone so young, so full of life and looking forward to the future made the bearded man's heart swell. Someone's kid, someone's wife, someone's soul and joy.

After the service, Kyle rushed into the bathroom, emptying his bottled emotions into a toilet seat. He looked back at the mess, triggering more vomit to leave his mouth. He panted heavily, trying to catch his breath. Woody came into the bathroom and saw, handing him a bottle of water.

"I didn't know you still..." the drummer trailed off, because he didn't want to reference it directly in case he triggered something.

The bearded man's hands had stopped shaking, and he had calmed down. It rarely happened, but when it did, his bandmates hated witnessing it. Woody especially, because he always felt hopeless.

"Laura's dead. She wasn't a part of the band, but she was a part of WWWCOMMS. She was a part of our music, our sound team. It was like she was one of us, in a way, and it's sad to see her go. But I do know she would have liked you to talk to him at the very least. He had a level of trust with her," Woody urged him.

It rained heavily outside, and the sounds of rainwater could be heard in the old church. He remembered how Laura had always loved rain, because she claimed that the most beautiful things always happened in it.

Outside of the church, where some of the band were talking to Laura's parents and distraught husband, Kyle emerged. Dan had calmed down a bit. Kyle walked over to him, where they stared at each other for a few seconds. Mark, Allistair, Ralph and the rest of the band watched as Dan pulled him into an embrace immediately. Kyle didn't push him away.

It was a well needed hug, and Dan gripped onto his boyfriend tightly. For the last few months, he had been craving his comfort, his support that he had once had. That minute spent seemed like forever. Rainwater rolled off them as it rained heavily, and their hair and faces were dampened. He could feel Dan getting upset and sobbing in his arms, but that comfort, that care, he could not provide.

Hesitantly, and it was really tempting to stay there, Kyle bit the bullet and withdrew his arms from the other man, slowly walking away from him. Will watched in awe as he watched the bearded man walk away from a clearly upset Dan, wondering what had gone on between them. Ralph walked past him.

"You could always do what I never could," Kyle pointed out, a small smile appearing on his face because he was happy that at least one person could be there for the blue-eyed man.

Ralph showed no reaction, other than pulling out an umbrella and walking towards a crying Dan Smith.

"It is easy to come to a funeral!" he heard Dan shout.

Kyle kept on walking, because he didn't even want to acknowledge it. He knew what Dan was referencing, and as much as he wanted to defend himself, he couldn't. He knew walking away from him at his most vulnerable was out of order, but he had to do it.

In fact, one of them should have done it a long time ago.

Kyle had walked and walked, and his feet had taken him to a shopping centre not too far from the church. Leaving before the wake was rude, but he needed to get out of there. There, he saw a woman with thick brown hair and green eyes, also dressed in black.

"See how we're the same?"

"So you keep saying to me."

Kyle sidestepped past the woman. He was sick of all her stalking and everything, but in a way, he had started to admire her. She'd gotten everything she wanted. He did nothing but smile at her, but Lucy seemed to hate his reaction.

As Kyle stalked the dark streets of London in winter, he figured he should be getting back to his hotel, which wasn't too far. However, the world had other plans for him when a stranger came up behind him, tackling him to the ground. The bearded man cried out, though nobody heard him. He tried to defend himself, but the attacker was stronger.

"No! No, no, no please!"

Kyle gave him what money he had on him immediately, seeing as he was unable to fight back. The attacker took it, running away. Kyle got to his feet, breathing heavily as he felt moisture running down his face. A _nosebleed_ , great, he thought. Not to mention how he was sure that he was dizzy.

Somehow, he made it back to his hotel, where Allistair seemed to have been waiting for him. He gasped at Kyle's nosebleed and the mud splattered across his suit. He went up to his room, and he needed answers. Allistair didn't like how his wrist seemed to have been at a funny angle, either.

"What happened between you and Dan in the studio?" Please, if not for your sanity, then for mine," Allistair asked him very seriously.

Two minutes of silence passed. Kyle considered it, weighing out the pros and cons. It was lose-lose in all scenarios, so he went for it.

"I-I-I him....to stop. Hell, I-I begged him to stop, and h-he wouldn't," Kyle stammered as his back sank against the wall and he found himself on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

The blond dropped down to his knees immediately, in complete shock of witnessing someone so strong and positive become a complete mess. The next ten minutes was Kyle crying and words being strung together. Allistair couldn't believe it, but he had to.

That Dan Smith was that kind of person.


	4. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, you. you should listen to bastille - good grief slowed version whilst you read this chapter. I always write to a song, and if you wanna feel this chapter more, you should probably listen to it. I thought it really set the scene. sorry it's kinda speech based this time, but meh, it's how I wanted to write it
> 
> this is a chapter YOU can kinda interact with, I want you to please read this note because I wanted to warn you. This was emotional for me to write - on a scale of 1 to 10, it was probably 4, but the next two-ish chapters will be higher. it's an issue I haven't really touched upon in my writing, ever and I thought it would be good to explore. I also have a confession, I've gotten side tracked on my Youtuber fanfics because I'm kinda enjoying them more, but I'm a bastille fan forever and you guys know that. Just prepare yourself, okay? you are going to hate me for the next 3 chapters (I've written ahead, I've just been lazy in transferring them and then publishing them on here, sorry) but everything will be alright, I hope. thank you so much to people who are still reading my trash haha
> 
> also, comments? ;)

**Three weeks ago**

Dan sat opposite a therapist. He'd been meaning to do that for a while. He told the therapist about his blackouts, and how he found that sometimes there were gaps in time and holes in his memory. Dan thought it was down to the drug use, but the therapist shook her head. The singer had noted down his drug use over the last few months, but she said that because he was an occasional user, his blackouts could not be solely down to drug abuse. That relieved Dan, but he was still confused.

"This may be hard for you to hear, but I get patients who can't access some memories because they've blocked them out due to some kind of trauma, or they've been through an emotional ordeal. It seems to me that you don't remember why your friend is angry at you is because _you don't want to remember_. Other times, you've imagined it, but that isn't the case this time."

"When will I remember?"

"Maybe try retracing your steps, that might help."

The following day, they group had reviewed some news that a woman's body had been found under a bridge. Three days after that, it was identified as Laura's body. Everyone was distraught at the news. Her funeral was less than a week later, which went badly in itself because of Kyle's rude disappearance.

At the wake, Ralph couldn't help but ask him something. Of course, it wasn't the appropriate time nor setting, but it had to be asked, or acknowledged in the very least.

"Why did he leave? He could see that you were upset. I know there's a deeper meaning there."

"It's okay. He could never watch me cry."

**4 years ago**

The band happened to be at Ralph's birthday party, initially set up by Mark and some of Ralph's friends. Kyle was still pleased to go, because Ralph was a good friend to all of them. Charlie was going to meet him for the first time, too. However, Dan Smith was nowhere to be seen.

Kyle happened to over to where the cake was, eyeing it. He picked himself up a slice before checking his phone for any messages from Dan. He felt his heart pang a little when he didn't see any. For some reason, Dan didn't seem to be showing any signs of coming. It was unusual for him, and the bearded man was worried.

As if on cue, Ralph approached him and could only guess that he was trying to get a hold of Dan. Ralph had learned not to be disappointed, because that man was a special kind of _stubborn._

"Have you any idea why Dan would miss this cake?" Kyle joked to lighten the mood, of course he didn't think that Ralph would know why.

There was a change in the man's facial expression, and he reached out and stole some frosting off Kyle's slice of cake.

"I guess that some things are not forgivable," Ralph pointed out, without much context, licking the frosting off his finger.

The bearded man took a moment to think before putting his plate to the side. He wasn't sure what the birthday guy was talking about, but it sure as hell sounded negative, and Dan was his best friend.

"I think you're wrong. I think everyone has what it takes to forgive," Kyle dismissed the thought, because whatever the issue was between them he knew that it could be solved.

A small, pitiful smile appeared on Ralph's face, and he chuckled. The bearded man couldn't see it, and that was the way it would stay for a while. That would be okay, Ralph thought, as it was probably better that way. He reached out to gently ruffle Kyle's hair.

"You'll see what I mean," Ralph whispered before walking away into the depths of the party.

Kyle was left there, wondering what was going on, but he would keep the conversation to himself for what felt like a lifetime to his conscience.

**Present day**

The band, except Kyle happened to be at Laura's grave the following week. Someone could been seen in the distance approaching them. A man with a somber expression, blond hair and hurt brown eyes with a bouquet of red roses in his hands. The cemetery was a painfully nice one, spacious and feel of greenery and plants, as Laura would have liked it.

  
_Burning bright until the end_   
_Now you'll be missing from the photographs, missing from the photographs_

The sound of a voice singing could be heard, and the blond closed his eyes temporarily as he let the words enter his ears, but he knew not to be too fazed by it.

_What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?_

The blond felt some of the leaves that were still on the branches of the trees break free, and scatter themselves across the cemetery as if they were assigned a mission to do so. He savoured the last moments of autumn before winter came through, as it was nearing December. Everyone knew that was Laura's favourite Bastille song, of course.

  
_Every minute of every hour_   
_I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more_

He finally reached the grave, where he thought about putting down the flowers, but decided against it for a moment. The blond faced Dan.

"What's wrong?" the blue-eyed man asked, as he had stopped singing.

"Kyle got mugged the night I followed him back from the funeral," Allistair mentioned, and thought it right to let him know.

Woody frowned because he remembered one factor that would prove that to be wrong. Will remembered it too, the last time Kyle had come by the flat.

"But Kyle got mugged the day when he stormed out of the studio," Will pointed out, as nobody could be that unlucky.

Allistair felt a wave of anxiety wash over him as he squeezed the roses he was holding. Ralph noticed, but didn't say anything. The blond tried to get his words together.

"That's what he told his parents when he saw them that day. Listen, I don't know why he lied, because he won't tell me, but I'll find out."

"Why are you playing devil's advocate?"

The band and Ralph watched as the blond lay the roses down and his hands started to shake a little.

"I'm not. I'm worried for you and what's coming out of his mouth. "

Dan frowned and asked him what he was accusing him of, and Allistair said nothing. All he did was sit down on the grass beside Laura's grave, some blood on his hands because he had been squeezing the thorns of the roses to ease his nerves.

"What happened in the studio because good Lord, I need to know because there's no way in hell that Kyle is going to tell me."

All men were in a state of silence as the rain fell from the sky, and the blond's hair was soon plastered to his forehead.  The rain failed its purpose of washing away their thoughts and mistakes. Dan tried to remember what he had supposedly done, but he couldn't, so he did what he did best and walked away from the situation.

But Allistair followed him with an anger surging through his veins like never before.

"If you can't admit what you did, you're a coward!" the blond shouted, and he could feel his heart racing.

Suddenly, the singer turned around, and he had made it quite clear that he had been crying. His eyes were slightly red and his skin was pale in the cold morning of December.

"How am I supposed to admit what I _don't know_?"

"Bullshit!"

Ralph stopped things by going any further by grabbing the blond, because it was obvious that Allistair was ready for a fight and Dan was not.

That same day, Dan and Kyle met at the hotel Kyle was staying at. Of course, Kyle didn't want him to come inside the room, so they met in the lobby. Both men had calmed down in the last couple of hours, but it was clear to say that they had been through a lot. Like before, Dan reached out to touch his boyfriend, but the man flinched. Dan's expression saddened slightly as he withdrew his hand. His eyes flickered to Kyle's bandaged wrist.

The singer thought to ask his boyfriend about what he had done to make him angry, which he did, but Kyle would interrupt and dismiss the subject. The blue-eyed man frowned because if none of them were willing to talk about it, they would never get past it and things would only progress as they were.

Just when the singer thought that he had made a pointless trip, he could see that Kyle was about to say something. The bearded man took a deep breath.

"Some time ago, someone said to me that some things are not forgivable. I didn't believe that. Hell, I told them that they were wrong; but after what you did, what you said, there was no way in hell that I could forgive you, and I wish I didn't mean that," Kyle expressed, avoiding eye contact with the man in front of him, because he knew that it would prove too much for him and he would lose.

"You don't hold back," Dan observed, his tone sounding a little hurt at the other man's lack of concern of his feelings.

"And neither did you," Kyle reminded him, his harsh words followed by a silence so cold that even Dan wasn't sure that they could ever come back from.

At that, in his anger, the singer had to leave the hotel lobby and storm off into the darkness of the premature night of London.

Meanwhile, an unexpected guest turned up at the hotel asking for Kyle. With a groan, he came downstairs to see who it was, and was unimpressed that it was the woman who he least wanted to speak to. She stood, staring at him with her luminous green eyes as she clutched her purse. He was probably mistaken, but she almost seemed concerned - even more so when she clocked his broken wrist. She claimed she wanted to talk to him.

So it was a wonder how their walk and talk tube journey resulted with them being stood at Charlie's flat. Kyle wasn't angry, but he didn't want to step foot inside. He didn't think it was appropriate to be there at all, _especially_ with her. Regardless, she pulled him inside. It seemed as if the band were having a little get together.

"Hi. Kyle is here now, and I have something to say. I lied about Kyle attacking me," Lucy suddenly announced, and Charlie's eyes widened because it seemed really realistic.

For a moment, Kyle held his breath and considered what he was about to do. Not that he'd thought about the situation beforehand because nobody would anticipate what was going to happen, but he was sick of _everything. Sick of fighting, sick of being stuck in that same cycle._

"She's lying. Don't listen to her," Kyle accused her.

The woman stared at him in disbelief, her mouth forming a disapproving "O". She genuinely believed she was trying to help him, and she would become a better person by doing so. A confused Woody exchanged a nervous glance with Will. He hated the blame game they were playing.

"What are you talking about? Kyle, I'm-"

Gently, the bearded man placed his hands on her before guiding her over to a seat. She sat, feeling babied. Lucy pulled a confused expression at him.

"I think you've had too much to drink."

"Kyle, I'm sober."

Woody nodded, which at least he could confirm because everyone had spent the whole day together, and nobody had really gone out. Kyle tried to think of how he could fix the situation. An outsider would have been _very_ confused as for finding reasons for his actions.

"What's going on here?" Charlie asked them seriously, and Lucy felt a little offended because she had told the truth, or at least her truth.

Lucy began to answer," Kyle and I didn't sleep together, we only kissed-"

"You're upsetting me. I don't want you to say anything more," Kyle interrupted her, his voice quiet.

A frustrated Lucy put her hands up in defeat, not choosing to say anything else as she waited for the events of the evening to unfold. Everyone else, however, was still confused.

"Who's lying?" Will asked.

Kyle sighed, as that question shouldn't even have been asked. His friends were meant to have believed him over an outsider ages ago. He got up to leave when all of a sudden, Dan stood in his way. The bearded man slowly began to feel more and more uncomfortable.

"I need you to stop with the mind games," Dan whispered so that it was barely audible to the rest of the group.

"Are you that fucked in the head?" Kyle questioned him, crossing his arms.

All of a sudden, Allistair dropped a glass in the kitchen, the sound echoing throughout the whole flat. The glass seemed to have slipped from his fingers, and it was then in pieces all over the floor. The blond analysed the glass between his fingers, coming to the realisation that they could not be put back together in the same way.

Seeing as nobody was going to let him leave, Kyle made himself at home, letting his back slide down the wall as he sat down with the whole world on his shoulders. Some of the people in the flat were distracted by the broken glass, so the bearded man got his phone out to return an important voicemail, but he had to listen to the ones that he hadn't been aware of first.

He played it in his earphones so that nobody else in the room could hear.

_"I've always kept you at arm's length. I guess...I guess I was kind of scared to admit that...that...you would always be the friend I could never have, and for that, I'm sorry."_

In his emotionless state, he played another voicemail, but from a different person.

_"All those good times we had, all those memories we shared together, I thought they couldn't be bought with any amount of gold. But from what we went through, I want nothing more than for them to be taken away."_

_"I don't mean if in a good way, and I don't mean it in a bad way. We can't seem to have these good times without bad decisions, and it shouldn't have to be that way. We shouldn't have to live our lives that way. I want to talk about it, and by doing so we can make this a good decision."_

_"I'd like to think you were honest with me, Kyle."_

He stopped playing the voicemails, taking a deep breath because he didn't want to trigger any lingering emotions. Just by listening to them alone, he had come to a conclusion. At the same time he had collected his thoughts, Dan accidentally cut himself on a piece of glass. When he looked down at his hand, he realised something, and his thoughts hit him at a million miles an hour.

Instantly, he looked up, and the two stared at each other for a few moments: Dan, with raw emotion forming in his eyes, and Kyle; a clearly anxious expression plastered across his face.

But in those moments, it was clear to everyone in the room that the blood was on Dan's hands.


	5. Waste my Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is a bit late, it had to be a bit short because of the nature of the chapter  
> prepare yourselves, hate me later :')
> 
> no seriously prepare yourself  
> and idk what 'angst' means so I'm gonna google it. see you guys in a week!

**About three months ago**

The sound of Dan closing the door to the studio room they were in seemed to echo throughout the whole building, and most of all, in Kyle's mind. Dan clearly had a spot of anger in his eyes, as well as him not having slept mi h. The bearded man watched as the door clicked, and it locked as the singer advanced towards him. For some reason, he felt nervous, even more so then the last time they had argued in the studio.

"I wasted so much time with you," Dan realised, his sentence slow, with each syllable hurting Kyle more.

If that was all that needed to be said, Kyle didn't really want to be in the room with him. He'd agreed to meet to talk things out, not take an emotional beating. The bearded man side stepped around him, but Dan blocked his way, looking at him with hard blue eyes.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I don't want to have this conversation with you right now," Kyle replied firmly, standing his ground.

He watched, anxiety building up in him as Dan took a deep breath, the air passing through his lips. It seemed like there was still a lot more to say, which would have been expected considering all the history they had. Some of what was going to be said would be long overdue, some of it not, depending on perception.

"All I wanted was you, and you can't accept the fact that Ralph and I kissed? How petty can you be, Kyle?" Dan questioned him.

Kyle felt himself get defensive because that was not what he was angry about. He could forgive Dan for having something with Ralph and not telling him about it. It was the way he was acting, his reckless behaviour and lack of concern for his feelings. That, in itself, made the singer untrustworthy, and Kyle valued honesty above all.

"That isn't what this is about. This is about all the good times we had, but the bad decisions we made. It's clear that we just can't agree to disagree," the younger man tried to explain, before he was interrupted by an ignorant scoff from Dan.

The blue-eyed man sighed. The other man want too fond of his reaction, because it was clear that Dan Smith was too hot headed to talk about things like a normal person. He was surprised as the singer unlocked the door.

"I don't think I can keep doing this. This is toxic on both of us," Kyle pointed out, and it was a fair point to make because years had gone by of frustration and little progress.

He heard Dan sigh again, and was shocked when the singer started moving towards him, causing him to take a step backwards, his heart racing.

"At least _I_ am proud of my sexuality. At least _I_ actually show emotion and I want to resolve things. At least _I_ know who I am, but you? You're nothing!" Dan shouted.

Instantly, Kyle's hands shook at the sound of his words, and his voice was so _loud._ He took another step backwards, only for Dan to invade his personal space. The bearded man could barely help it as he felt the hot tears stain his face, and he hated how he hadn't been able to cry outside of the room. He couldn't believe that he would say that.

Just as he was about to leave the room they were in, the blue-eyed man forcefully pushed him. Kyle gasped as it was done with a lot of force, so much that he ended up on the ground. His breathing was non existent as he looked up at the man above him. He flinched as Dan advanced towards him, raising an arm to hoist him up before pushing him into the back wall.

"The drugs, the drinking. You think I was _that_ hung up over you?" Dan assumed, yelling in his face.

A shaking Kyle shook his head furiously to avoid any further conflict, frightened of the man opposite him. Every word that came out of his mouth hurt him. Every word. An alarmed Kyle was too scared to move.

"Please, Dan. Dan, let me go," Kyle urged him, because his grip was too tight on him.

However, Dan was somewhere else, because he wasn't listening. Anger surged through his veins, and the only thing he could take it out on was the man standing in front of him. Kyle gasped, choking back sobs as Dan cornered him, hitting him over and over, no matter how many times he begged for him to stop. His body ached and stung by the time Dan was finished with him, and he felt a hurt that he had never experienced in his whole life before.

Kyle gasped for air as with the energy he had left, he got up and he ran out of the room and through the studio.

Mark and the others saw what they didn't realise was an emotional Kyle storming out of the studio from the window in the room they were assigned to. What they also didn't see was Kyle's encounter with someone else, because they had stopped watching the window.

It was Lucille. One would assume that she had been rightfully in A and E with Charlie, but she had managed to successfully separate herself from him in the hospital, and it would only be a matter of time until he found her. She had planned to turn up at the studio, until she found Kyle storm out of it. By the look of it, he was hurt and shaking all over. They did made eye contact, and she felt as if her breath had been taken away, but she didn't say anything.

Seeing as he didn't really have anywhere to go, he stayed in a hotel for the night before deciding to go to his parents. That was his last decision, because he needed money and other people around him because he didn't want to be alone. His parents did ask about his injuries, but Kyle just shrugged and made up a lie about being mugged, but he was okay about it. It fit into his lack of money story, too. He managed to convince them not to get the police involved, and he would enjoy a great two and a half months away from an angry and newly violent Dan Smith.

**Present Day**

Kyle and Dan stood outside Charlie's flat for a bit more privacy. Kyle hadn't wanted to go outside to talk to the other man, but was pushed to by Allistair and Will, who had quite frankly had enough. It seemed as if the singer had come to terms with what he did as he tried to reach out to touch Kyle, but Kyle backed away, stroking his arms nervously. Dan looked hurt.

"I've been blocking it out because I didn't want to remember, I'm so sorry. I never, _never_ should have hit you. I-I-I saw red," Dan tried to explain himself, and it was in those moments that Kyle realised he was a mess.

He'd been trying not to, but emotion took over, and Kyle felt tears running down his face. He didn't particularly like crying in front of Dan, but given the circumstances, he really couldn't help it. Slowly, he turned away from Dan, putting a hand over his mouth to hold back his sobbing. It had been a long time since he had cried like that.

"I know you're sorry, I _know_. But I don't know how we can fix it this time," Kyle admitted, looking up, quickly running his hands across his face afterward.

A trembling Kyle left the singer, walking off into the darkness of London, holding his breath until he got to the nearest tube station. Everything seemed to have been moving slowly when he got on the tube - other people, his thoughts, the tube itself. He thought about staying at his parent's house, but in all honesty, he'd brought them enough trouble so he thought it would be best to stay somewhere else for that night.

The first voicemail he had listened to happened to be on his mind, and he couldn't stop thinking about it. The more he thought about it, the more frustrated he got, so he had to make a visit to the person in mind. Before his knuckles made contact with the door, he was let in.

"I didn't know you felt that way," Kyle apologised, feeling a little guilty.

"No...I was ignorant. I was cold to you, but I didn't realise what was right in front of me," Ralph replied, also apologising as his eyes wandered behind the bearded man.

And there was Allistair, with two bags full of groceries. He panted heavily, making out Kyle's figure. Kyle turned around and realised that the blond had appeared out of nowhere. That had not been the person he wanted to run into, but there was no escaping the situation. There was an awkward atmosphere and Kyle couldn't help but glance at the two, then his thoughts formed a judgement.

He left it at that, going ahead.

The following day, Kyle turned up at the studio as scheduled, and the band were working on a song that Dan had been noting down for a while. The vibes were good and everyone was getting along. Whenever Dan spoke to Kyle, he would respond, but the both of them could tell that it was a bit forced, at the least.

Something unexpected happened when the rest of the band left for their break. Kyle eyed Dan for a moment before closing the door. A concerned Dan raised his head to look at what was going on because he had headphones on. Before he could say anything, he felt Kyle's lips on his. It was a slow kiss, lasting all of twenty seconds before the bearded man pulled back.

"I want to move past this. I'll _try_ to move past this, but will you give me some time?"

"O-Of course. Yeah."

Kyle flashed a weak smile before going back to his seat. He spent the rest of his break thinking about the voicemails he listened to going over in his mind. It was hard for him not to overthink things. It was especially hard for him not to tell Claire, or anyone else what Dan had done or said. He figured that they had been through so much that it wasn't worth telling anyone else. After all, they were trying to move past it. If anyone found out about that, the fallout would be too much.

On that same day, the bearded man walked alongside the allotments near the studio. The group had been a few times, mainly because Woody liked to clear his head sometimes and he saw plants as the main way to do it. They found his plant phase weird, but it did work. Kyle felt a little confused as he took each step, penetrating the soft, frozen grass and eyeing all the dead flowers and hardened soil. He bent down, scooping some up with his fingers, watching the dirt pour from his hands. It made him realise that the earth was so fragile, so susceptible to nature and the pollutant concrete jungle that surrounded it.

He didn't know how he felt.

Feeling were complicated, and he was one to know as he rose to his feet and fell the wind roaring through his hair and freezing his fingertips. He hastily dug his hands into his pockets. Clearly, there wasn't much scenery with it being the end of the year, so he made his way towards the exit of the allotment. 

The man immediately came to a halt when he noticed a patch of land that he had recognised. It was one that Woody had suggested they take up. He and others would sometimes visit it and care for it, but it wasn't often. Laura loved it more than anyone else, she had always been more in tune with nature. Kyle couldn't believe that he had once been jealous of her. In those two and a half months away from done, he would have even gone as far to say that she was welcome to him - but even he wouldn't speak ill of the dead.

Why was he thinking such things?

In his frustration, he kicked himself to get a grip. He didn't want to think those things, he was a good person. It wasn't like he could blame Dan for making him a bad person either, because that was hardly fair. Nothing was fair. Life wasn't fair, but he felt as if he was lying to himself if he believed he could make things work. By that, he meant in his life, not just with the singer. Everything seemed to be falling apart at his feet, and he didn't have a time machine. He had once wanted to waste all his time with Dan.

 _Not that turning back the time would change things anyway_ , he thought.

Everywhere he turned had too many memories, and it was starting to eat away at him. When he looked into the distance at a damaged London, there was only one thing he could think about, the one thing that had been on his mind for the last two years. It was the good memories of him and Dan having conversations about plants, and whether they would go to hell after they had drunkenly broke in once and eaten someone else's strawberries. Those were the memories that he wanted to continue to hold onto, and hopefully the good would outweigh the bad. 

It had to, or that would be it.


	6. Holding on

 

**Present day**

Kyle sat at a bench in an old pub he and Dan had visited a few years ago on a sunny day out. Those were good times, he thought. He sat with a beer to his side and his phone in his other hand, scrolling through his messages and rolling his eyes at Dan brainstorming his ideas for their upcoming album in their stupid group chat. Kyle didn't want to talk about how he felt about the singer, because he wasn't sure yet, and it was too soon to say. Of course, he always looked forward to having some time to himself away from the rest of the group.

However, that time was interrupted when someone sat next to him, a woman with piercing green eyes, long dark hair and a concerned expression on her face. The bearded man couldn't help but sigh deeply as he avoided her gaze, feeling his heart quicken. To calm himself down, he reached for his drink, sipping the contents slowly before placing the glass back on the table. The woman rested her hands on her lap, tightly squeezing her purse before looking back at him. He could only imagine what she would say, because that was who she was. Regardless, she wasn't the last person he would want to talk to.

He wasn't going to explain that.

In the dull winter light left of seven at night, Kyle slowly turned his head to observe the woman, who had said nothing so far upon sitting down, her hair blowing in the wind as she tried to assess him. Quite frankly, he didn't like being psycho-analysed. She tucked some of her dark hair behind her ears before putting her hand some distance in front of her, nearer to the man, with her palm facing up. The bearded man studied her, feeling confused.

"How do you feel?" she thought to ask him, and even with context it was a stupid question, but needed to be asked all the same because of circumstances that arguably had not been beyond her control.

Feeling conflicted, his eyes wandered down to her hand, steady and focus, calculated and supportive. The hand he was observing did not match the woman he knew, but it was fucked anyway, there were too many roads to go down, too many choices to make.

"I feel liberated," he replied with a gentle smile, taking in some fresh hair and exhaling it through his nostrils, feeling his body and chest relax as he did so, a feeling he hadn't been able to hold onto for a long time.

The nerves and the demons came back again, and he found himself taking another deep breath, his hand shaking. Somehow, his hand made it into the comfort of hers, his hand covering her palm, and her palm embracing his. He closed his eyes as he did so, and it was strange as he felt as if he was holding onto her that night for dear life. She too, felt his warmth, his pain, his comfort all at once, but she managed to sympathise with him. Her eyes were also closed, and it was as if she could feel what he was feeling. Even if she was there, he felt as if the world was falling down around them.

"I've done and said questionable things-"

"God no, who hasn't?"

The laugh that escaped from his lips at forgiving her excuses hurt her heart a little more, and in those moments she realised something she hadn't realised before, making her heart beat a little faster. She knew that she had to fix things, to make things right, but she _wasn't that person_ , and she didn't know how.

But when she looked down, he hadn't let go of her hand. The comfort was still there, still secure, still intact and still existing. For some reason, she knew she would remember that.

"I followed you here," the woman admitted, and it was clear from the start, making the man chuckle as he gripped onto her hand tightly, causing her eyes to widen.

There was a moment of stillness that surpassed them, somehow lengthening into a state of some sort of unconsciousness, expanding and shrinking back into reality. It was nothing that the bearded man hadn't seen, he'd been on drugs before, but he was sober - a kind of sober that exposed a reality he had never asked for, nor wanted, nor desired.

"Of course you did, Lucille," he figured, followed by another laugh, his eyes still closed but his smile still evident at the same time, which tickled her emotions.

Kyle reached for his drink, consuming it slowly again as he tried to enjoy the sounds of the birds around him, and the low hums of owls hidden in the distance. He could feel the ground at his feet beneath his shoes, and the freedom in his right hand as he wriggled his fingers, whilst the other was bound by other skin and fingernails.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, observing the world around him before diverting his gaze to Lucille, the woman sat beside him. Gently, with his free hand, he put to fingers to her chin, carefully directing her look to him. Lucille stared back at him, surprised at the contact. Anxiously, she looked away from him, and it didn't make him upset because he had expected as much, he was holding onto her for dear life. He couldn't explain why, he was numb. It was a dulled tragedy as their eyes met, then ran to the floor, the bench, the drink on the bench, anywhere but one another.

Though, Woody had once identified that history had roots, and it was a plant that didn't die. It had roots deeper than any past, than any lie. The past was what was _perceived_ to be prior to the present, whilst history was fact, the core.

Three minutes later, the man's hands were at his side, and Kyle had lost all feeling of contact in his left hand. The contents of his drink had disappeared, as had Lucy, and he choked back sobs, but the hot tears rolled down his face, and his hands were clamped firmly over his mouth as he tried not to scream.

There was a river near the studio that hadn't frozen over, so Kyle thought he would walk over to it. Originally, he had hoped that it wouldn't have frozen over, but he was wrong, so he stared at it half out of pity, and half out of admiration, because it made a beautiful setting for a photo, but he had some respect for nature and its moments and chose not to make it a photo opportunity. His feet settled near the bank, watching the crystallisation of water in front of him, glistening even in the dark, shining out of the blackness of the night.

That respect was disregarded when he popped open a pack of cigarettes. He was about to but one to his lips and proceed, but his right hand was shaking too much. Of course, he tried to get a grip, but the anxiety was beyond his control, so he gave up, half-heartedly shoving the cigarette on the ground although he hadn't lit it. He felt as if he was driving himself into a state of insanity, but even so, he made himself comfortable by a nearby tree, sitting down on the cold grass as he got his phone out, going straight to his voicemails.

 _"I'd like to think you were honest with me, Kyle."_ ****~~~~

His pride was too much, and he couldn't listen to it in that moment so soon again, but the words rung in his ears as he began to think about what honesty was. What it entailed, what it required a human being to actually earn that title. It was a title he would have always liked to have had, but the world was against him as it was, so that wasn't within his reach anytime soon. People didn't choose honesty, after all, it chose them.

The world was falling down around him again, and in the morning, he wasn't sure whether he would feel the same. There was a coin in his pocket, and he thought to flick it and fiddled with it as he waited for the time to end.

It was a pride of many things, a pride that pushed him to embrace it, that feeling.

Unbeknowst to him, not so far away from him were two at the allotments near the studio, wearing long black coats. One of them was tending to their patch, whilst the other was watching and shaking his head in disappointment because he thought there was no point in taking care of something that was only going to die soon only bloom again six months later. Once had had finished, he stood up, brushing the dirt off of his jeans before turning back to face the other man who had a smile on his face.

"You're different with me," the blond noticed, running his hands through his hair before fiddling with his fingers nervously, as he had been waiting for the right moment to confront his friend about the matter.

He watched as his friend took a step towards him, his hands deep in his pockets as he gave the blond a sincere stare before taking a deep breath. The winter weather almost defeated them in those moments, fiercely biting at their skin, threatening to tear it apart.

"When am I not confusing you?" the other reminded him, making the blond nervously chuckle as he looked to the ground.

Allistair turned around again to admire his own work of contributing to take care of Bastille's special patch. He figured that Woody would be proud. Something about the earth crumbling, taking shape and slipping through his fingers always gave him some time to think more clearly about the world around him and his surroundings. His golden hair swayed in the wind, though he stood his ground as his eyes felt a warmth of the time he had invested in taking care of the dying plants.

Ralph stared the back of his friend, feeling a little conflicted although he knew what he was going to do, because he always planned everything out. He remembered the kind of person he used to be, just letting life go on as it was, into a crumbling abyss, until he wised up, until he realised that there were things in life that were beyond his control that he could at least _try_ to control. He hadn't lost himself completely, not yet, not ever. There was a light in his life somewhere, a light he was trying to hold onto. In the back of his mind, it made enough sense.

In a few seconds, it was as if time had froze as Ralph walked towards Allistair. Every step he took was slow and calculated, precise and planned but unpredictable, wild and unmoving as he advanced towards his friend with a hardened expression, a distant gaze in his blue eyes. His hands were free from his pockets only when he had reached the blond, and Allistair sensed a presence behind him, but didn't have enough time to turn around.

Ralph's lips were near to Allistair's ear, and the blond felt the hot breath escaping his mouth and onto his skin as he whispered a few words, enough to send chills down his spine. With that, Ralph slipped his hands back into his pockets and walked away from his friend without another word, his cool figure disappearing into the moonlight. The blond's skin had turned pale, and his heart was racing, but his body was completely frozen as if he had let nature win itself.

In the studio late that night was Woody, who had hurt his hand on some roses he had been attempting to put in a vase. He yelped in pain, and Will asked him if he was alright. The drummer replied with an irritable yes and looked at his wounds, thin but plenty, the blood running down his hands. He went into the toilets to clean it up, whilst Will followed after him two minutes later with a first aid kit.

As Will tended to his injury, Woody found himself looking in the mirror at himself and his friend, and it made him think about something. He felt as if he couldn't concentrate.

"We still don't know why Kyle distanced himself from Dan. If we haven't found out yet...I...I just think it's something bad this time, it frightens me," Woody confessed, witnessing his blood wash down the bathroom sink and into the darkness.

The bassist sighed, as he was sick to death about talking about and dealing with the Dan/Kyle situation, but they were friends, and he was concerned about them too, though there was little they could do. Kyle was willing to come to studio sessions and even _talk_ and communicate with Dan, which was huge progress which they did not want to ruin.

"It'll be all right. It'll work out. It always works out with those two," Will reassured him with a straight face, which made the drummer's eyes roll.

A few minutes passed, and his hand was as good as new, even if there was still a bit of pain, the rose thorns had gone - they weren't hurting him anymore, they couldn't possibly hurt him anymore.

Even so, the bathroom door opened. The two men turned to see who it was, and it was Charlie. His face was pale, and he looked as if he had just seen a ghost. Will put the first aid kit to the side to try to assess what was going on, whilst the drummer crossed his arms, anticipating the worst to come - they'd become accustomed to that. They watched as Charlie closed his eyes, opened them again, took a deep breath and looked from left to right before running his hands through his hair and then over his face. 

"I-I-I feel something's wrong. I-I don't feel good. S-Something bad has h-h-happened," Charlie stuttered suddenly, making no sense to the two men in front of him as they had never seen him like that before.

In those moments, they tried to calm him down. Dan had seen him like that before, so Will sent for him. He came into the bathroom, quickly closing the door behind him as he tried to calm a nervous Charlie down. Charlie was sat with his back against the door, his legs tucked close to his chest. He was hyperventilating moments ago, but seemed to have calmed down. The singer had suspected he was a little high at first, but it was obvious he was sober, though he wasn't sure what had triggered his behaviour.

Then they went back to their studio room, and Mark's face was as pale as Charlie's, a phone loosely held in his hand. The situation was inaudible as Will leaned forward, shocked, in need of reassurance that Mark could not provide. Charlie's nerves were set off again, and Woody seemed in a state of denial whilst Dan was still, emotionless.

Loosing his grip.


	7. Rain

**Present day**

Two men sat outside the room of a hospital, their clothes soaked to the core. Blond hair was plastered to one's forehead as he breathed in and out, trying to control his anxiety. He wasn't sure whether he could deal with the level of stress being placed on him. He wasn't even sure whether he could speak. The place they were in, it smelled of bleach, it was foreign to him for unnatural. The blond's face was pale at wet, and it was clear that he had been through hell, his hands looked as if they were turning blue and he was shivering like crazy.

Allistair began to say, "What...What if-"

"He'll be all right. It's Kyle, Alli. He's stronger than all of us," Ralph interrupted him, assuring that he was worrying too much.

He too was soaked, water still running down his face despite numerous requests he had made for them to at least get some towels or something. Ralph gripped his hand tightly, causing Allistair to relax a little, breathing normally.

Then came the rest of the band, though Kyle was declared fine by the time they arrived, but Dan felt a bitterness he had never felt before. He couldn't explain why, but he felt a little empty, and they had been at the hospital for half an hour an he hadn't said anything to his boyfriend - it wasn't that he didn't want to. Doctors were tempted to send Kyle home, but stressed that he had been lucky.

It was three in the morning, and Kyle had woken up. Everyone else who came to visit him was awake. He changed into some clothes Mark had brought with him. The doctors briefed him on what had happened, giving him a card. The bearded man frowned, glancing at it as there was a number attached. As far as he was concerned, he wanted to go home, but a doctor popped into his room and told him that they'd like to keep him overnight, which he sighed at.

He walked outside the room to view Dan, sat slumped outside in the corridor, looking the worst he'd seen him in years. The others looked at him and said nothing as they had visited him earlier, whilst the singer looked at him. It was upsetting and really draining, the sad look in his eyes.

"I love you, why would you do this to me?" Dan mouthed at him so that nobody could read what they were saying, as bitter as he was, he knew what would happen if he let that spill.

Kyle placed the bag he packed to the side. A confused expression formed on his face as he looked at the man that was his lover. A sigh escaped from his mouth as everyone around them stayed out of the conversation. They'd already done enough interfering for the last few months, they thought.

"It's not every day you fall into an ice river, gotta take advantage of it," the bearded man tried to make a joke out of it with a smile, which didn't go down well amongst the group.

When he looked at the singer, he saw that he was upset. Everyone around him was upset, and he wasn't sure why, not really, he was fine and well. In that moment, he couldn't just stand there. He walked over to Dan and sat beside him against the wall, staring at him out of the corner of his eye. Emotion built up in his blue eyes, and the overflowed with tears. Anyone would have been able to have predicted Kyle's response to that, but it was different. The bearded man sympathised with him as he closed his eyes, reaching for his hand and linking it in his.

For the rest of that early morning, Kyle let Dan sleep at a chair at his beside, whilst he himself was awake, tightly clutching onto his waterlogged phone as he realised that he would never hear that voicemail, and he _had_ to know what it had said.

Kyle happened to be asleep at noon, and Allistair took the rest of the group aside. The blond was quite drained, as were the other men at the hospital. They all needed to talk about the situation and what the hell was going on, though Dan could hardly provide any answers as Kyle had been acting strangely.

"Has this got something to do with what happened in the studio?" Allistair asked the blue-eyed man seriously, because things were starting to get out of hand, and people were starting to get hurt.

Dan took it upon himself to scoff at the blond, dismissing the subject with  a wave of his hand, which greatly annoyed Will who sighed deeply, whilst Woody shook his head. Charlie looked down at his shoes, wondering when all the bullshit would end and they could be happy again.

"You say that as if I've done wrong," Dan replied casually, shrugging his shoulders as the only thing that he had energy or time for was the man in that hospital room - his best friend, his boyfriend.

"You didn't see what state Kyle was in," the blond accused him with a hardened stare, and they hadn't been able to not clash with each other since that night where he brought Kyle back to Charlie's flat to talk with Dan.

It was clear that Allistair was going to say more, though everyone noticed how Ralph put a hand on his arm, and his anger seemed to cease. He went on ahead to go on a coffee run, whilst Ralph looked at Dan out of disappointment.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," Dan suddenly announced, putting a hand to his mouth as his thoughts came to him at one hundred miles an hour.

The band members seemed confused as they exchanged nervous glances with one another, while Mark glanced at him with scattered concern. Before they could ask him what was wrong, he went into Kyle's room, closing the door behind him. The bearded man was awake with a neutral expression, and the singer walked up to him, his hands shaking and his face pale. Kyle had been half-expecting as much.

"I don't deserve you, so I can't be with you."

The singer got up quickly and left the room, every footstep feeling heavier and harder than the last. He was surprised that he had managed to close the door, his breathing slowly returning back to normal. Dan couldn't hear Kyle's reply, it would be too much for him, nor could he leave - he just wasn't prepared to talk to him. However, his feet started moving, and he was walking away. Everyone could hear the faint sound of rain outside, wreaking havoc on the hospital's poor roof tiles.

Then came the creak of the door, and Kyle stood on the other side, ready to go with a bag in hand. He placed it on the floor as he had been discharged, observing Dan's back. Dan would have kept walking had he not heard his voice.

"She said some of the best things happen in the rain...That night a year ago, I told you to walk away, and you didn't. I guess Laura was right."

"Ky..."

"But this time even though it's raining, you're giving up this time. _You're_ walking away."

"Stop this...stop this."

As Dan tried to continue down that corridor, he felt a hand on his wrist, and the moments that passed were the most painful he had ever experienced in his life. It was everything that he wanted, but everything that he did not deserve. He had hit him, raised a hand to his boyfriend, caused him so much _grief_ and pain, and yet Kyle was still fighting for him.

They walked to the nearest corner, which was a little more private. Dan cried furiously, tears running down his cheeks and falling onto his clothes. Kyle took pity on him, putting his hands on his face and making some attempts to wipe them away. Nobody was perfect, and he knew that, everyone knew that.

As he stood there and actually _comforted_ the singer in his upset state, he started to think how far they had come from way back when.

**Two months ago**

There were a set of beautiful gardens in London, and a man and woman took the afternoon to admire them. There were tables and tea, a typical British afternoon, but a storm would soon brew. The man that was meeting the woman there was well-composed, somehow clouded in thought but tall and had some sense of pride in every step that he took - at least, he would have thought so. The woman, however, had long brown hair past her waist, wore dark lipstick and an innocent smile. She'd always had that angelic allure to her.

But they weren't going to have any tea.

They met, staring at one another. The woman felt a pang of guilt as she clutched her purse, sensing that familiar atmosphere she picked up on whenever she went anywhere near him. It had been like that for about two years. The strange thing was that they got along, but she wasn't stupid, she could always see that the bearded man would rather not have her around, so she would disappear behind the scenes often.

"I'm worried about you. Dan and the others, they said you took off after falling out with Dan at the studio. I'm not going to ask you what it's about. I'm really worried, because I just know it's something big, or at least, part of something big," Laura expressed her concerns, and Kyle was surprised because he had honestly assumed that because of his once jealous behaviour that she hated him to the core.

Though there she was, he long hair flowing in the wind, her lipstick still intact and a bright smile on her face, even if he eyes were fixed on him, desperate to find out an answer. He did freeze temporarily, because he was trying to make a decision whether or not to lie. Lying had come naturally to him since falling for the singer, as much as he hated to admit it. Kyle was an honest person before his romance with Dan.

"You shouldn't worry about it, it's really nothing," the bearded man assured her, lying through his teeth as he remembered what went down in the studio that day, feeling himself flinch at the thought of it.

His feet were glued to the floor, as were his arms to his sides as he looked to the floor, desperate to avoid her intimidating stare. Laura was a nice person, and she was genuinely concerned about others, and she would try her best to get to the bottom of things. It had worked once with Dan, because it had took a while, but he noticed that Laura had healed a broken man with the power of her friendship and kindness. He could _never_ be like that, and it pained him to even admit that.

"I've been conflicted lately," Laura began to say, he sad eyes looking at his, then at the gardens before she opened her mouth and exhaled, "I've been seeing things differently."

A confused Kyle observed the woman, feeling confused, though what he failed to notice was the distant expression in her eyes, and how she would continually look over her shoulder. People walking past eyed them, mostly their focus on her and her appealing appearance. However, it was unusual for her to voice her troubles.

"How so?" the man wondered, as he was happy to take an interest in anything but his own problems in his life at that moment.

He was dragged by the woman's firm grip on his hand, and they stood closer to the rooftop, barriers around the edge, of course. She said nothing to him, gesturing for him to look out into the world that was London. Polluted, rubbish, career-heavy, youths, education and politics. That was all that came to mind in Kyle's brain, anyway, or perhaps it was just the Bastille-isms rubbing off on him. _Huh,_ he thought.

"Never mind about me, I...I um...I think you should speak to someone."

"Why do you think I should do so?" 

"Before you lose yourself, Kyle."

She said nothing more. In a few seconds, he felt her manicured fingernails on his face, tracing a horrible looking bruise on his left cheek, causing him to wince. Laura withdrew her hand once she realised that the man was in pain, so she apologised.

"I didn't mean to be so distant towards you, I'm sorry, I hope it'll be a thing of the past now," Kyle apologised, because he did actually feel quite guilty because the woman was being so nice to him.

In response, she smiled back at him. He thought their conversation would end there, though he was considering offering to buy her some tea or something, until she raised her head and observed the sky, her fingers tingling. The bearded man felt a raindrop on his nose, and he wrinkled his nose. Laura held her palms out in front of her body to feel the rain crashing down on them.

"Do you feel that?"

"Rain?"

"The best things happen in the rain, Kyle."

With that, she looked at him one last time before walking away, and their conversation was left at that. Kyle felt somewhat confused, like he was supposed to take some sort of meaning away from their encounter. Raindrops filled the gardens, and his soul as he stared at his soggy Converse.

Even so, he couldn't help but think back to a time where something good had come out of a rainy day.


	8. Rarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'll link, ik it seems like a filler, it really isn't

**Under a month ago**

Ralph sat in his flat, pondering over something that had been bothering him for a while. He'd been meaning to bring it up with a friend, but had been postponing it because of what it could mean, not that he was overthinking it or anything. He sat at his kitchen table with his cold coffee, mulling over what was ahead, though he couldn't say it out loud - it was too weird, too familiar. When his finger slipped into his coffee, that confirmed it even more so because he remembered the feeling, the feeling of history repeating itself. Some might say he deserved it, though nobody was really deserving of anything.

His thoughts were interrupted by a blond stumbling into the kitchen with tired eyes and a strained expression as he slumped down onto the nearest chair, grabbing hold of Ralph's mug and consuming the contents, only to gag when he realised the coffee was cold. Ralph chuckled, because it was funny, perhaps he was laughing more than he should have been, but it still brightened his day - even if it was a little. Then the thoughts came back, and they were clouding his mind.

The blond leaned forward, his movements slow as he put his hands together, slowly tilting his head to the side as he studied his friend closely. He'd always been a good reader of emotions, but Ralph had always been a hard one to figure out, even when he occasionally let his guard down, and that wasn't often.

"You're staring at me," Allistair pointed out, a confused expression on his face as his eyes narrowed with bewilderment.

The other man snapped back into reality, trying to get a grip on things as he placed a hand on the right side of his forehead, where a headache was brewing. He wasn't sure why he was feeling like that, but it needed to stop if other people were starting to notice. Maybe that had been a bad move on his part, but bad all the same.

"Sorry, was I?" he apologised with clouded eyes as he turned his attention to the table instead, and he drummed his fingers against the side of it, a satisfying rhythm emerging from it.

Nevertheless, Allistair shrugged and got up to flick to kettle on, making Ralph another cup of coffee to mull over. As he was making it, a thought crossed his mind, a radical one which he had to chase away. It was irrational, even more so if he had been right. As a result, the coffee-making took him a bit longer than anticipated. He felt the warm mug in his hands before placing it on the kitchen table.

They sat in a silence, awkward, though not if of hate, nor discontent, but of what they knew, and what would be if they acted on what they thought.

That was nonsense in itself, because Ralph _could not believe_ it was happening to him again.

Things were made even clearer the following day, where Ralph was awoken by the sound of someone talking. Rubbing his eyes, he groaned and rose from his bed to see what had ruined such a nice Sunday morning. It must have been about eleven, because he always slept with his watch on. He smiled when he realised it was just Allistair talking to someone on the phone, probably his younger brother.

However, curiosity got the better of him as he could tell that Allistair was talking to his parents. Ralph frowned, as he swore he hated them and that they cut off their funds to him out of spite. If anything, he would be arguing with them, speaking of his ill treatment. What Ralph witnessed was something different entirely.

" _Mum_! You know I wouldn't forget about lunch. Of course, I'll meet you there. Love you."

In that moment, though things hadn't become clear, Ralph felt a little confused. He saw no reason for the blond to be lying to him. After all, he'd offered him somewhere to stay _because_ of what was going on with his parents. Then, he thought about it a little more, almost to the point to which he drove himself insane.

Naturally, he thought himself to be a fair person. Was it intrusive to ask him about it? There were so many ethical considerations, and Ralph hadn't decided what to, at least not then.

Quarter past one saw Ralph stood at a local cafe, a casual setting but questionably high prices for below-pat food. Regardless, he finally stepped inside with his hands in his long black coat, his every footstep echoing. The staff couldn't help but eye him as he walked in; he was not a regular. With that being said, he smiled at the woman on the till and ordered a coffee to go, only to clutch it tightly and look around for a table.

His eyes were fixed on the table at the back, hidden from the rest, but not so much. Calmly and cooly, he walked over to it without much thought not planning, reminding himself to prepare a smile as he approached it. There were two people sitting at it, a man, blond, and a woman of similar features, but slightly older. She sat with good posture, manicured nails and an elegant ambience about her. Not his type, though it probably would have been a couple of years ago.

Moving on from that, he could hear the voices as he approaches he'd the table, the conversation intriguing him more so.

"Oh Mum, I'm sorry I haven't been to visit. I'll make sure to soon, I miss the house."

"You better, young man. Mind you, it would be your father you would have to answer to."

They both laughed, and the man's journey came to a close as his feet stopped moving and he came to a halt. The pair must have heard him, as they stopped talking. Ralph observed them with a smile as he leaned against the nearest wall with his coffee in hand.

"Fancy seeing you here," Ralph pointed out.

Allistair wanted to say that it was a coincidence, but with Ralph Pellymounter, he was never really sure. Besides, what would he be accusing him of anyway?

"Yeah...um-"

"Are you one of Alli's friends? Hello, I'm his mother. I'm sure he's said a lot of lovely things about me!"

Ralph studied the ecstatic woman, his eye twitching slightly as he invited her to sit down, and that was probably the most awkward situation that Allistair had ever been in. His mother thought nothing of it, happy to finally meet one of her son's friends. The blond was close to her, but had never really spoke much of the kind of friendship circles he was in.

He left shortly after, apologising for his rudeness, but the woman at the table didn't mind.

"He's a fine young man," his mother commented, her eyes fixed on her son for a lot longer than he would have liked.

There was a pause before the blond said anything. _Yeah, because everything to do with Ralph was a coincidence,_ he thought. Perhaps he was being paranoid, but somehow there were butterflies present in his stomach. _Yeah, perfect time, butterflies._ He put it down to anxiety, though it was something much more.

"He sure is," Allistair agreed sarcastically, drinking his cold coffee as he tried to gather his thoughts.

The blond returned home, expecting his friend to confront him. Ralph drifted into the corridor, and they locked eyes for a moment before Ralph made a _hmm_ sound and advanced to the kitchen, where he made more coffee. He'd made some for Allistair, who walked into the kitchen with caution, only to be given a coffee, the giving of the mug slow and wary. After that, Ralph left the kitchen with his mug in hand, sipping it with a smirk as he went into his room.

Allistair sighed out of frustration.

**Present day**

Kyle sat in Dan's room with his new phone to his lips, waiting on a call, a voicemail, a text or anything from a particular person. He gave up on them, placing his phone on the bed. Dan walked in and sighed. Regardless, the bearded man grabbed hold of his wrist.

"One of us has to fight for us," Kyle reminded him, despite all that had happened.

Deep down, he knew that Dan wasn't a horrible person. The singer's face relaxed a little, and he gave in, sitting next to him.

"But what I've done, what I've said, it's unforgivable," Dan dismissed.

"So what? I've done unforgivable things, we're human. I want to move on," Kyle urged him.

Still hesitant, the blue eyed man nodded slowly in agreement. He was surprised that Kyle's lips were on his, and they came to a short kiss. It was oddly satisfying, considering all the shit they'd put each other through.

Meanwhile, Will and Woody were away from Dan's apartment. They were in the local park, it was trashy, but the band had been known to visit when drunk, high or depressed. They were sat on he swings, looking out to the world. Will was making an effort to swing himself high, whilst Woody was staring at the ground, his cold fingertips gripping onto the chains as he maintained a very slow pace.

After a few minutes, Will grew tired of being the man child that he was and slowed down, studying his long haired friend.

"Cheer up. At least everything's dandy now," Will mentioned.

"No, there's something more. Do you really think Kyle doesn't know that we know about him and Dan?" Woody asked him, and it was a random question that the rest of the band had never really thought about.

The bassist thought about it for a moment, feeling a little confused. Kyle wasn't stupid, but he was sure that there was no way he could possibly know. Will wanted to know what had made Woody think of that, but before he could ask him, his phone started to ring, and that was the end of that conversation.

**3 months ago**

The only people left sat at that poker table that dreaded night were Ralph and Allistair. Ralph still hadn't finished smoking, much to Allistair's dismay, as the last time he checked he wanted to keep his lungs intact. It was weird to admit, but he hated smoking, he only did so because his body craved it. He'd quit for about four years, until the stress came back, the uncertainty, the unpredictability.

But that was just real life.

Plus, whenever his eyes met Ralph's, it only made things more difficult. He'd already tried to get up and leave, but his friend had asked him where he was going. Naturally, the blond couldn't think of an answer so he has given up and remained in the room, tapping his feet gently on the floor. He froze at the sight of Ralph shuffling the cards, slow and steady. As soon as Ralph laid eyes on him, Allistair's gaze was at his feet. That cycle repeated for a minute until Ralph placed some cards out on the table.

"A royal flush, the rarest hand in poker,"  he pointed out, the set of cards mocking the blond as he was pretty rubbish at the game, and always had been, which was one of the main reasons why his friend would always suggest they play it. 

He then took the cars he had laid out, shuffling the deck again. His cigarette found itself put out in an ashtray. Ralph handed the blond two cards before giving the same amount to himself. They played accordingly, none of them choosing to fold pre-flop. That round went on, and Allistair's eyes widened at his hand. _No, that was just weird,_ he convinced himself. Then he looked again, and Ralph was waiting for him to act. He must have sat where he was, unable to believe the royal flush in his hands. _What would be the chances? He'd seen Ralph shuffle those cards, that would have been beyond his control._

"You're playing me," Allistair accused him, putting his cards down in front of him temporarily to make it clear that he wasn't going to fold, because that would be stupid.

Still, he didn't like his friend's reaction, but he hadn't been expecting much. He'd learned to lower his expectations of others as he grew older, mainly because the world wasn't a very nice place.

"When am I not playing you?" Ralph replied with a smirk, putting his hands together, and it appeared that they had lost interest in the game.

The blond looked down at his cards and chuckled. He wasn't sure why, or rather, he _knew_ why he couldn't face him. Slowly, he raised his head, his eyes still closed as he drummed his fingers against the table.

"I seem to remember us having this conversation before," Allistair whispered, trying to block the memory out of his mind.

"In different context," Ralph corrected him.

At that moment, Allistair opened his eyes to see Ralph's facial expression. Still neutral. _For God's sake,_ he thought. _When would he give him a break?_

"And you seem to want to have the same conversation again."

"I didn't say that-"

"You might as well have."

"Ralph!"

" _Allistair_."

Like a child, the blond screwed up his face as much as he could before getting up and leaving the room out of frustration, and he didn't care that time. Not that Ralph knew, but Allistair was breathing heavily on the other side of the door, feeling annoyed that Ralph knew _exactly_ how to annoy him.

When an angry Dan came over to Ralph's after the fallout of the poker game, Allistair stood where he was awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. He figured he wasn't needed there, but it would have been rude to leave. He knew what was going on, and what had gone on between them, but every time he thought about it, he had an unsettling feeling in his stomach. It never used to happen before.

Comforting the singer had been harder _every_ time.

And it shouldn't have been.

Of course, in his own way, Ralph would bring that up after Dan left. Uninvited, he pulled up a wooden chair beside Allistair, sitting down on it with the back of the chair between his legs, and his legs either side of it whilst his arms rested on the back of the chair.

"He's a part of my life, you know. I can't help it," Ralph mentioned, because he could clearly see his friend's annoyance at the singer's unexpected appearance.

"That's the problem with you," Allistair snapped at him passive-aggressively, and it wasn't like him to get angry at Ralph, but he was really starting to make his blood boil.

"What, like how you could be living in your cosy rich ass life but you chose to stay here with me? And for what?" Ralph questioned him.

"Because I don't mind being around you!" the blond admitted, his words surprising him and echoing off the room.

There was something that built up in the blond's eyes, and for once, Ralph realised that he may have pushed him too far, and it may have been to soon for him to say that. He seemed embarrassed as he stood up and quickly walked to his bedroom, shutting the door.

Ralph took it upon himself to sit outside of his bedroom, because he knew he would have to come out sometime.


	9. Pick me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the lack of updates, I've been lazy and I will actually make my promise of one per week. sorry

  
**Present day**

Kyle wasn't surprised when his parents asked for him, so he was stood outside their house at three in the afternoon waiting for what he thought would have been a nice hour. He stepped inside, closing the door behind him and greeting his parents. His mother hugged him, but he noticed that it was feeble and awkward. The bearded man pulled away from her, giving her a funny look. It appeared his dad was acting strange too.

"A woman, she came here. She said she was worried about you," his mother confessed.

He frowned in response, trying to work out who would do that. After a few seconds, two women came to mind, and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out which one until his father describe her appearance. _That sounds like something that she would do_ , he thought.

A few minutes later, he was sat down opposite his parents stood at the kitchen counter, exchanging nervous glances. Kyle leaned forward, putting his hands together and pointing them at his parents.

"I'm not suicidal," he told them with a deep breath.

What made it worse was that they looked as if they didn't believe him. Though, that was the power of Lucille, and she could be very convincing when she needed to be. Of course she had done so out of spite, she didn't care about anyone but herself, he thought. Kyle failed to see her initial intentions.

"She seemed to think you were. This is not something that parents ignore, Kyle," his father urged.

After a lot of doubt, arguing and shouting, Kyle was exhausted and the tears were running down his cheeks. He'd cried more in that whole year than he had his whole life, and that was embarrassing. What was more embarrassing was how he had put his faith into Lucille. Why was she worried about him, anyway?

Obviously, he went on his way, despite protests from his parents. What he needed was some time alone, though he soon realised after staring into a mug of cold coffee that was not what he desired. He went out of his way to go the the riverbank near the studio, giving him time to collect himself and find his feet again.

_Bloody Lucille._

As if he had summoned her with his mind, there she was. There was a sad look on her face, and at that moment, knew it was true. That woman was definitely trying to ruin his life for some reason, but he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like he had _done_ anything to her.

 _Not anything she didn't like, anyway_.

But that was a thought for another time.

She approached him with stiffened posture and pale skin and lips, her hair casting a slight shadow over her face. He could hear the crunch on of the ice underneath their feet, though Kyle was still, non moving, statue like and cold. Lucy noticed this and understood that her actions might have caused a bit of hurt. She took a deep breath, but the man silenced her, putting a finger to his lips and staring at her like she had killed his family. The day suddenly felt dark, and her confidence had disintegrated into the night. When she looked at him, she wasn't sure whether she was looking at a different person.

"It's a new year, it's time for change," Lucy suggested, her expression still fixed, and she was intent on standing her ground even though it was thawing away underneath her shoes.

"Clearly you didn't get the memo," Kyle mentioned with a scoff and a chuckle, studying her hurt eyes, but it was amusing to him because he would have thought that she understood him and how he worked, even more so than his own friends at times.

He heard her sigh. It was longer than what is usually was, which made the bearded man think about what he was saying. A concerned Lucille bent down, reaching out and tracing something in the ice with her finger. He took a step back, observing her, watching her until she finished. During that time, he was oddly silent. It was enough time for him to evaluate his life and the people in it, and even he wasn't sure if he was happy. Kyle looked at what she had written and raised his head to look at the sky, feeling his eyes sting. He blamed it on the raging wind, but she knew better.

At that moment, she got up and moved closer to him, gesturing towards the nice view they had of the iced river. Kyle wasn't taking that in, however, as he was trying to calm himself down. When he'd recovered, his eyes were on his feet, and how he probably needed new shoes. She made a joke about how he shouldn't go skinny dipping near iced rivers, and he didn't laugh. Then, she nudged him hard, and he managed a chuckle.

It would take a lot more than a joke to make him whole again, though there was a lot of truth to what she had written.

Lucy looked down at the ground for a moment before turning to him to say something, and what she said would never be forgotten, as Kyle felt his brain trying to process it. He tried to steer her away from it, talk her out of it, but it was as if he was a stranger and his opinion was invalid. Then the feelings came back again, the emptiness and the confusion, and he was certain that it was a mix of things, a mix of an uncertainty he couldn't make clearer, an answer that he had been trying to chase his whole life.

She reminded him of it again and again, but he wasn't sure that he could quite grasp it, to hold onto it and never let it go. What she failed to see was that there was some things in life that couldn't be fixed.

Kyle left her after that, going back to Dan's apartment. When his bandmates asked him where he had been, he came up with a believable lie that they wouldn't check up on, and he got settled in his room. Dan came in to join him shortly after. The bearded man had his back glued to the bed, looking up at the ceiling. The blue-eyed man joined him with a smile, laying beside him.

"What if we've been holding onto each other for too long?" Kyle asked Dan, and he had been scared to ask it because of recent events, but it needed to be said as it was eating away at him.

His boyfriend stared at him seriously, a look of disappointment on his face. It was at that point that the bearded man knew that it was a bad idea to ask, so he sat up and prepared to leave the room, though Dan got a loose hold on his wrist. Kyle shut his eyes instantly, his heart racing. The singer saw his reaction and felt a little hurt, but didn't withdraw his hand.

"We're drawn to each other, so of course we need each other. You know we need each other. I'm nothing without you," Dan insisted, and Kyle felt a little hurt himself when he saw the tears starting to form in those blue eyes.

There was a time when he would have done anything to look into those blue eyes, to swim in their pools and admire them on more than a friendship level. He wished that they could go back to those times, but things had changed - he could adjust, but it would take them time - time of which he wasn't sure they still had. But when he looked at Dan's crying face, not only did he feel guilty, but he realised he loved him a little more than he did before.

"Don't...Don't say that," Kyle scolded him, because despite the past, they couldn't change it and they needed to move on.

Dan began, "You always pick me up. No...No, it's true-"

However, he was interrupted by Kyle leaning in for a kiss, wiping away some of his tears. That seemed to calm him down, and he stopped crying. They kissed again, and it was slow. The bearded man snaked a hand underneath Dan to pull him closer. The singer sat up, and they were staring at each other intently.

"I don't like to see you upset," the younger man whispered, pulling Dan into another kiss, and that was true considering all the times he had painfully walked away from the singer on his darkest days, and he would never do so again.

"You should be the one upset. I...I can't _believe_ I...I _hit_ you. You-You should _hate_ me right now. We still haven't really talked about this," the blue-eyed man argued, feeling his heart knotting in his chest because he didn't understand how his boyfriend was so forgiving, so kind and considerate - and that was exactly what the world needed.

Kyle ended the singer's worries with a tight embrace, and he felt Dan relax in his arms as he sighed heavily. They were in that position for a few minutes, and his tears finally came to a standstill. His blue eyes were all red and puffy, it was quite obvious that he had been crying. The bearded man did him a favour and wiped his face with his sleeve.

"I shouldn't have walked away from you so many times, I regret that, but it only matters if we care now," Kyle admitted with a smile, squeezing his boyfriend's hand.

Dan finally agreed with what he was saying and nodded. He got up to go to the bathroom to wash his face, whilst Kyle still had a cloud hanging over his head, doubts in his ear and thoughts turned raging whispers on his shoulders. It was hard to ignore them, but he would have to try his best.

Meanwhile, at Ralph's apartment, Allistair was home alone when he noticed a bouquet of flowers nearly arranged on the kitchen table. Anxiously, he looked over his shoulder before advancing toward it, as Ralph wasn't home. There wasn't anything to indicate who it was for, until he noticed there was a small piece of card somewhere in the flowers. With a lot of effort, he fished it out and observed it. When he clocked who the sender was, he frowned.

Next, he had to get some air, so he found himself catching the tube to the studio where he wasn't needed. Mark raised an eyebrow when he rocked up, though let him inside the room anyway. He made himself comfortable on one of the sofas, swinging his legs over the armrest and hanging off of it like a child. Woody and Will were in the room at that point and noticed his strange behaviour. Will was already annoyed because Woody kept on throwing his drumsticks at him because they were on a break and he was bored shitless.

"What's with you?" the drummer thought to ask before grabbing a handful of olives and shoving them into his mouth, saving a couple to throw at the bassist later.

Allistair hadn't realised he had drawn that much attention to himself. The blond blinked, viewing his upside down view of the world by the way he was sitting, or rather, _slouching_ , as his mother would rudely put it.

"Ralph is giving me grief," the blond told them with a murmur, his voice shrinking into itself as he was sure that he wasn't being paranoid, because he was right about things.

Some things, at least. Like how bad it would be for Dan and Kyle to continue their relationship. He wanted to voice it, but didn't want to cause further conflict for Kyle's sake. Though, when an opportunity presented itself, he would be sure to take it.

After throwing another olive at Will, Woody stuck a lollipop in his mouth, which was where Mark drew the line and stopped distributing food because the drummer was eating and wasting it all. In fact, he seized what was left and took it out of the room they had booked.

"He sent me flowers," Allistair informed them, and Woody sniggered at that because he found that hilarious.

"What, and you're in love with him?" Will joked, and had really _meant_ it as _just_ a joke.

However, the blond slowly corrected how he was sitting and blinked at the two bandmates before rubbing his eyes, almost as if he could see clearly now that he had done so. Woody and Will exchanged nervous glances before looking back at Allistair.

To make things even more annoying, that man decides to waltz in with his long black coat and intense blue eyes, poke his head at the door and _stared_ right at Allistair. Woody was mid olive throw before Will threatened to kill his family.

"Thought you'd be here. You liked the flowers for your mum?" Ralph wondered with a neutral expression on his face, not giving much away, as always.

When the olive made contact with Will's face, he was about to honour his threat until Mark walked in and warned them not to fuck up anything in the studio as he sure as hell wouldn't be paying for it.

"For my _mum_?" the blond replied, wanting to make sure he had gotten that new piece of information right.

It was at that point that Ralph started laughing softly, and Allistair raised his eyebrows as he still hadn't really gotten an answer, and for all his sanity and damned pride, he fucking needed to be right about his theory.

"Then why wouldn't you address it to her?" the blond whispered quietly, not understanding his strange methods.

At that moment, the other man did something that really annoyed him. Ralph put his finger to his nose and lightly brushed it past the side of it. _Was he trying to drive him insane?_

"Hope you're having fun avoiding me," Ralph whispered back as he gently bent down to place a hand on his friend's shoulder before saying his goodbyes and leaving.

Allistair returned to his slouched seating position, tempted to scream.

" _Prick_ ," he said to himself.


	10. Corridor

  
**Present day**

The band wrapped up another recording session when Kyle noticed a woman waiting outside their room. He took a deep breath as he slipped away, unnoticed to face her. She seemed quite pleased with herself, as always, but her expression always read something much deeper. The woman lowered her head, as if she was ashamed of her own presence. She was staring at her own feet, clutching her purse tightly.

"Who's controlling you?" Kyle asked her simply and politely, as he could have used worse words.

She pursed her lips for a moment, and she and we definitely about to say something until she gulped. It was as if she had swallowed what she wanted to say. That woman always had something to say, so it was surprising that she held her tongue. Unfortunately, it was rather inconvenient for Kyle because he needed to have an answer so that he would be able to eventually figure things out.

"Nobody, but I won't stand back and watch Dan Smith control you," Lucy argued, with a look of distaste spreading across her whole face.

He seemed to be fighting a losing battle, and it would only be a matter of time till everyone else saw them speaking to each other, which they had tried not to make a habit of, at least when they were around since the poker party incident. Lucy had never been able to keep her emotions in check, he knew that, but she was starting to cross a line.

At that moment, a concerned Charlie stepped outside the studio to see where the bearded man had gotten to. Once he spotted him, he frowned as he saw Lucy. She seemed upset, but even he was unsure whether that was real, because the woman was unpredictable. She was one of the many liars that he knew, though she seemed to have been appearing more frequently in his life as of late.

"It isn't fair Kyle," she murmured softly, her voice quiet and sounding no different to that of a spoilt little sister's.

Feeling uncomfortable, Kyle looked back at Charlie. It seemed that Lucy was going for a persistent approach, so he needed to change tactics and get her to leave as soon as possible, but Kyle was tired of playing such games. A confused Charlie eyed the too, not knowing what to say or what to do, so he watched.

"You're not with it like you used to be," Lucy accused him, and that made Kyle's heart race because he didn't want their dirty laundry aired to his friends, Charlie being present was bad enough.

  
What she said could have meant a range of things, though they were on the kind of communication level that the bearded man knew exactly what she was talking about, and he was stupid to deny it or twist the conversation his way. After all, everyone had a habit of believing Lucille's false words, and had ever since she came back into their lives. Though, she hadn't been the only person to cause trouble or start up drama.

  
"My head's screwed on," he quietly corrected her, avoiding eye contact.

  
At that, the woman charged toward him and poked a firm two fingers into her chest. Of course, that caught him off guard, and he stumbled backwards slightly at her sudden aggression, shocked. That was where Charlie flinched slightly. She shouted some abuse at him before pushing him again.

  
"Who's to say that this isn't how things should be?" he asked her, making sure to look into her eyes that time, because as he had thought, he was done with playing games, perhaps for a whole lifetime.

  
That was enough for Charlie to go back inside the studio room that they had booked and they were finished with, quietly closing the door behind him with nervous wreck plastered all of his face. Woody noticed and frowned, and the bassist followed up by asking him whether he had seen a ghost. Charlie tried to indicate that he needed to know where Dan was, but Dan emerged from the booth and walked into the main room, complaining about his squeaky trainers. The first question the singer asked was where Kyle was, and he headed towards the door but Charlie didn't budge.

  
"Er, Charlo? In case you didn't notice, you don't have hinges," Dan pointed out very slowly, raising an eyebrow as he was scared that his friend had become one with the door, which was becoming a lot more common than the average person thought considering the number of articles coming out with that stuff.

It wasn't like he could make up a lie on the spot, either. Charlie had acted too suspiciously to play it off that there was a valid reason as to why Dan couldn't go outside of the room. He figured that the least he could do was warn him, and that was what a friend would do anyway. That was what they all were - friends, even if it didn't seem like it throughout the past few months.

  
"For your own sanity, and for mine, I don't want you to open this door," Charlie warned him, gulping because he knew that there was a chance that the singer would lose it, because even he had picked up some bad vibes from the portion of the argument that he had witnessed.

  
The room suddenly went quiet as Dan gestured for his friend to step out of the way. Charlie asked him if he was sure, because he wanted to clarify that he had given the singer a way out. However, the blue-eyed man just shrugged and opened the door slowly, stepping outside and hearing shouting instantly. He recognised the voices, and it made his heart swell when he faced in their direction.

  
"Are you trying to ruin my life? Are you upset about something? Have I said something? Why the fuck would you chat that shit to my parents?" Kyle questioned the woman over and over, because her latest little stunt had destroyed him in more ways than she could imagine, and she had done a lot of bad things.

  
As had he, but that was a flashback for another time.

  
"No! It seems I don't need to lift a finger because you're already doing it yourself when you deserve so much better! I am trying to help you, I did that for the greater good!" Lucy shouted at him, pushing him again, and by that point Kyle had already been forced down half of the corridor.

  
Then Lucy made eye contact with Dan, and he realised something he perhaps should have realised before. The singer bit on his lip, and Kyle flashed him an apologetic look as he tried to deal with a hysterical Lucille. It turned out that it was easier said than done, as she showed no signs of wanting to back down.

  
"I gave you a way out, remember that," Lucille reminded him, her head down and her hair hanging almost lifelessly from her head.

  
"Listen, can we not talk about this tomorrow?" Kyle asked her seriously, because nobody had time for their argument, discussion, or whatever the hell kind of conversation they were having because everyone had already had enough of his bullshit alone, nevermind hers.

  
He eyed her as she started to laugh, and she looked like a maniac from where Dan was standing, but Kyle couldn't help but feel a bit of sympathy for her as he saw the tears build up in her green eyes. Her eyes were glistening in the low lights of the corridor, and her skin was fading as she tried to steady her breathing. That was when he noticed that she was just as nervous as he was, as frightened as he was, as naïve and stupid as he had been.

  
And he wasn't a fucking teenager anymore.

  
"I won't be around tomorrow, Kyle."

  
Without further explanation, she left, obvious tears running down her cheeks, and Kyle had a feeling that something bad was looming over him and all of their lives. That left Dan and Kyle staring at one another, and to worsen the already tense moment, Charlie came outside to check if they were okay.

  
"You slept with her," the singer realised, feeling an uncontrollable wave of emotion sweep across his body, and he could even feel it in his toes despite them being numb.

  
Clearly, they weren't, so Charlie did himself a favour and stepped back inside the studio room, though Mark was critical because he wanted to intervene so that there wouldn't be any bad blood between them. Woody also agreed, as he did not want a repeat of events. It seemed that all of Kyle and Dan's bad arguments happened in the studio.

  
"I was going to tell you," was all Kyle could reply with, it was weak and he knew it but he knew that they needed to talk about it, in that stupid, stupid claustrophobic corridor on the eighth floor.

  
"What, like you were going to tell me that you're...that you're suicidal?" Dan assumed with a pinch of that typical British sarcasm, though the bearded man wasn't laughing, because there was only one way he could know about that.

  
The corridor fell silent. Kyle had never experienced a worse silence than that in his entire life, and he'd had a lot of awkward silences, with some of the worse by far being with his boyfriend. He wasn't sure what that said about their relationship, or even friendship before their relationship, but he was getting bad vibes from it just thinking about it.

  
"That's a lie."

  
"Really? Because your parents called me. They were concerned. They thought that I was the closest to you, that I of all people would know, but as it turns out, it's her - and it's always been her, hasn't it?"

  
There was a twisted look in Dan's eyes as he clenched his fists, and Kyle began to feel uneasy as he watched the blue-eyed man walk towards him. It was obvious that he was hurt, but he didn't know how to console him, or rather, more importantly, how to calm his shaking fists. Kyle wanted to avoid a bad situation, and explaining himself to the rest of his bandmates if possible, so he made an attempt to walk down the corridor and leave. Unfortunately, he was stopped by Dan's hand firmly on his wrist.

  
"I...I don't want you to stay in a hotel tonight. I know we were fucked right from the get-go, but space is not what we need right now."

  
"Can you...let me go?"

  
The singer looked down and realised he had been holding onto his boyfriend a little too long, and reluctantly let go, hurt at the scared look in Kyle's eyes as he released his grip on him. He hadn't meant to come across possessive. The bearded man nodded in agreement anyway, and they left together.

  
Charlie sat with his back to the door, breathless at what they had all overheard. There had been a lot of emotion there, but as always with Kyle and Dan, there were some things that needed some clearing up. It wasn't like he could ask Kyle either, because he was starting to think that he couldn't trust him.

  
"Why would Kyle tell us that he slept with Lucy and not Dan?" Charlie wondered, and he was trying to get his head around it.

  
"Well, it does make sense now, his reaction when we were playing poker and why he was so bothered. Damn, he's a good actor," Woody complicated Kyle before getting nudged in the ribs by Mark, who left the room to go and sign them out.

"Maybe he just didn't want him to know," Allistair pointed out.

There was a pause where everyone in the room turned to look at him, and the blond suddenly felt uncomfortable. It wasn't like he had spoken out of turn, he was trying to protect someone.

"You know. Why aren't you telling us?" Will asked the blond seriously, because even though he had been known the band for two years, he would have thought that would have been enough for them to feel like they could trust one another.

Besides, as long as they had known him, Allistair had always been honest and down to earth. He wasn't one to keep secrets or lies, nor bend the truth to his will whenever it suited him. In other words, he wasn't like the rest of the human population.

"It runs deeper than that. It isn't my place," Allistair dismissed the conversation from going any further, even though in the eyes of most he was completely wrong with what approach he was taking towards the situation.

"You honestly think that he slept with Lucy?" Charlie asked his friends, mainly because of the last time they had seen Kyle and Lucy talking, and each of them seemed very certain with what they were proposing happened that night.

That was something that Charlie thought he had missed, especially since Lucy had once protested that they hadn't done anything, whilst Kyle was sure that they had, but it didn't make a lot of sense considering that Lucy was out for blood during that poker game. He new his ex-girlfriend was crazy, but not a pathological liar, surely.

Still, Charlie was determined to find out what the hell was going on. He didn't like being confused, nor lied to. He felt as if his friends weren't trying hard enough. Charlie made eye contact with Allistair, who looked too comfortable.

"Allistair."

  
"I'm not involved in this. Please do not involve me in this."

When the blond had announced that he'd had enough and it wasn't fair on him, Charlie stood in front of the door. Woody sighed and busied himself doing something in the corner of the room, whilst Will couldn't pass comment, he felt as if he had said enough.

"I'm going along with what I'm meant to be going along with."

Charlie blinked at the blond, still confused. Once again, he demanded an answer but Allistair just shook his head in disappointment as if everyone in the room was meant to know what he was doing.

"I'm not following."

"Of course you don't, but Lucy does."

Charlie was speechless and Allistair stepped to the side and opened the door, leaving the studio. It seemed that the blond was right, and things ran a lot deeper than they all had originally thought.


	11. Happier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bastille's new song 'happier' inspired this, its a banger so go listen

  
**2 years ago**

"Do you feel it?" Laura asked, her hair falling past her shoulders as she blinked, gesturing her index finger towards the sky.

There was a silence as the woman sat beside her stopped to hear what she was talking out, but all she heard were the irritating noises of a summer night. The woman blinked, tracing her palm lines gently as she tried to pay more attention to her surroundings and how they were speaking to her. Laura had always been spiritual and hopeful, many wondered where she got all the positive energy from, because she sure as hell had a lot of it.

"I don't, I never did," she answered, not knowing what the hell she was talking about, and to be honest, she never did understand the words that came out of her mouth.

With a playful glare, Laura leaned forward slightly and managed a weak smile before rolling his eyes and taking one of her friend's hands in her own. She watched as she closed her eyes, and her eyelashes were fluttering in the mild summer breeze. The woman beside her stared at her, dumbfounded as their palms were pressed together. A couple of people walking past them gave them strange looks.

"It's a shame you carry around all this bad energy," Laura noticed, a frown forming on her face as her eyes opened again.

"Keeps me awake," Lucy mumbled, showing her discontent clearly as she tore her hands away from Laura's, staring off into the distance.

It wasn't anything further from the truth judging by the dark circles around her eyes. Laura saw them too, but it wasn't her place to say, nor intervene in that moment in time. She never got the chance to, however considering how her death was unexpected and heartbreaking for everyone that once knew her, but for Lucy, it was bittersweet. Lucy knew hardship and despair and lived in the real world, whereas the only thing Laura knew was hope.

"Well, I wish you a safe journey back. I've gotta catch someone," Laura informed her with a sympathetic smile, though it was more pity, as she got up and greeted the man stood by the fountain.

Feeling miserable, Lucy eyed her train tickets in her purse and wondered whether it was worth catching three trains just to get back to where she had been running away from. She started walking towards the exit of the park, though something, or rather, someone made her come to a halt. The man Laura was speaking to was tall, with piercing eyes and a beard. It didn't appear to be the friendliest of conversations, and she was right to think that it wasn't, so she got closer.

"You know that Dan's an idiot, right? I wouldn't get too close to him," Kyle warned her.

Timidly, Laura shifted her weight from her left side to her right, fiddling with her fingers of how she would approach the subject. She had seen the looks Kyle had been giving her for spending so much time with Dan, and she really wanted to call him out, but thought better of it because the universe would do that for both of them, if they would ever get together.

"I don't...think he should get too close to you if you're acting this way," Laura rightly acknowledged, not giving him any hints that she had suspicions of how close they had been.

Evading his bad energy, the woman side stepped past him, continuing on her way because she couldn't let the conversation go any further because Kyle had always been stubborn, and would start an argument in an empty room if he could. At that, Kyle was left standing on his own,  
only with the distant company of the running water coming from the fountain.

Lucy's eyes were on his, and their eyes met for a brief moment. He saw a beautiful pair of green eyes looking back at him, full of wonder and surprise, whilst she saw the raw emotion from him. However, as Kyle blinked, she was gone from his sight and he began to think that he had imagined her existence. In fact, the encounter would all be forgotten upon the next time that they would meet.

**Present day**

A frustrated Allistair sat on Ralph's sofa, waiting for him to come back home. Anxiously, he tapped his shoes against the hard wooden floor as he tried to gather his thoughts. The blond had seen what his friend was like, especially with Dan, as he liked playing games. The blond figured that he was too old for games, but was unsure whether Ralph had really grown out of that bad habit. The only reason he felt uneasy was because he couldn't predict what Ralph would say once the words fell out of his mouth. Hell, he wasn't even sure how he would say it, and he was really trying to be positive but in fact, he was going completely out of his mind.

Then came the sound of the door, and it was so loud and unexpected to the main waiting that he fell out of his seat and onto the floor with a thud. A concerned Ralph frowned, quickly closing and locking the door to investigate where the loud noise had come from. He made his way through the corridor before witnessing a flustered Allistair on the floor, his hair sticking up in all directions as he tried to straighten himself out. Slightly amused, Ralph smirked.

"What you said to me, when we went to the allotments..."

"What did I say?"

Allistair only grew more nervous when Ralph places his bag down on the floor and sat down, putting his hands together and leaning forward in his seat as if he was watching some kind of drama.

"You feel the same," Allistair recalled, and he really didn't want to say it out loud because his heart was racing and his head was pounding, but at least it was out there.

The next few seconds were tense as the blond avoided his gaze whilst Ralph was intent of staring him down. He considered leaving the room because he couldn't stand how awkward it was.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Allistair asked him in a whisper, unable to figure his friend out, and they'd known each other for years.

Ralph shrugged, sliding off of his seat to join his friend on the floor, sitting beside him. Without warning, he placed two fingers on Allistair's face, turning him towards him.

"I'm not sure, you really don't deserve it," Ralph joked, they both knew what he was talking about because he was never direct, nor to the point most of the time.

It was enough to make Allistair laugh, his eyelids closing and opening slowly, staring into Ralph's bright eyes. Ralph removed his hands from the blond's face and settled for snaking an arm around his small frame instead. Allistair blushed at the content before focusing on his shoelaces instead of where his friend's hands were.

"Ralph, I-"

"Does it feel right?"

The question made Allistair stop in his tracks completely, and his mind went blank because he already knew the answer, but didn't want to say it out loud. It wasn't that he was ashamed, but he needed to be sure it was what he wanted. He was notoriously known for making bad decisions, and didn't want to make another mistake any time soon. Somehow, he managed to look Ralph in the eye and use words.

"Yes."

Allistair's stare flickered down to the sensation coming from his left thigh, a hand stroking it slowly, rubbing circles gradually. It made him freeze.

"Then give into me."

The blond couldn't help it, so he leaned in closer to Ralph, almost holding his breath as their lips met. It was slow, Allistair wished he could relive every moment, even if his eyes were closed. Ralph moved his hands to the blond's hips, pulling him closer. Every time their lips clashed, it was passionate, desperate and needy, just what Allistair wanted, what they both wanted.

Meanwhile, Kyle sat in Dan's apartment, papers scattered everywhere and his hair sticking up as he rubbed his eyes from the lack of sleep he'd gotten. Lucy was really starting to get to him, and after her sudden appearance at the studio, that should have been the final straw, but truth be told, Kyle had always been so caught up on her. He knew everything and nothing about her, and it wasn't even like he could help it. Sometimes he wished he could turn the time back and make sure that they didn't meet, but he knew that he met her for a reason, he just didn't know what it was yet. He analysed the papers and loose notes surrounding him.

Then, the door opened. Kyle started to freak out because he realised he had been at it for hours, and it was noon, meaning that Dan was back from whatever he was doing, as was Charlie. The blue-eyed man approached him, a look of concern on his face as he found himself ankle-deep in paper and notebooks. Charlie displayed a similar reaction.

In the end, he wasn't sure if it was even worth staying up through the night to find out something he would have preferred not to know. Charlie's head was still reeling from what Allistair had said to him yesterday, as he was sure that it meant something, but wasn't sure what it was. Kyle hugged his knees to his chest, thinking about it. It was insane in itself and he sure as hell didn't want to tell anyone.

"May 2nd, I talked to Laura. It was the day before she died."

Then, he started to frantically search through the papers until he found another ripped out note that he wanted. The sight was making Charlie uneasy. Dan watched, nervous.

"November 14th, I fall in the ice river. January 3rd, Lucy and I talk by the river."

Next, he remembered having a conversation with her that he should have analysed better before. The woman was smarter than they all gave we credit for, and he needed to be more aware of that.

"I followed you here."

"Of course you did, Lucille."

His eyes widened, and it was as if he had just been born again because he saw everything so clearly. Dan asked him if he was okay, and Kyle didn't reply. Dan and Charlie exchanged nervous glances before raising an eyebrow at their sleep deprived band mate.

"Lucy. She's been following me since we met," Kyle realised, putting a trembling finger to his lip because he should have worked it out sooner, he'd been so distracted and so stupid.

"Alli might have mentioned that to me," Charlie told him, and Dan gave him a death stare for not telling anyone else sooner, though he shrugged.

A zombie-looking Kyle jumped to his feet, knocking over things in his room before locating his phone. He briefly glanced at the time before calling Lucy, but the call didn't go through because apparently the number didn't exist.

Half an hour passed, and seven cups of coffee had been downed between the three of them.

"So...she's planned this?" Dan asked Kyle as he and Charlie had listened to him explain the dates and times, and how they all matched up.

Charlie had a handful of notes on his lap and happened to be looking through at all the markings and everything, and it was clear that Kyle had stayed up all night trying to come up with a solution to get that rotten witch out of his life.

"What she's trying to do is make you lose your shit. Don't lose your shit," Charlie mumbled, wondering how that evil creature had managed to find a way back into his life again.

Within an hour, Kyle had fallen asleep on the sofa whilst Dan was pulling on his coat and a pair of shoes. Charlie frowned, wondering where he was going. The singer put a finger to his lips before leaving the flat, passing a puzzled Will and Woody on their way inside. It was something he needed to do alone.

His feet took him to where he needed to go, and that was to a couple of streets down. From what Kyle had told him, he and Lucy had met there a couple of times. Dan came to a halt there, waiting for her to appear. Kyle's phone was in Dan's pocket as he suspected Lucy had put a tracker on it.

"We know how the story ends," a voice boomed out of nowhere, making Dan jump until he realised it was the woman in question.

There she stood, in the cold streets of February in a misty London in her black boots, dark makeup and long brown hair. She wasn't looking at him directly, though, she couldn't, not now she knew what kind of person he was. Dan wasn't going to raise her spirits. Lucy was complicated.

"There can't be a story if it didn't begin," the singer argued with her, he really wasn't in the mood to have words with her because he was doing it on behalf of Kyle, and without his permission at that.

"What you did to him, he deserves so much better. He deserves to be happier," Lucy expressed, her eyes passionate in the winter light.

With a deep sigh, the singer rolled up the sleeve of his coat and the jumper underneath. Lucy looked for a brief moment and flinched at what she saw. It was a red mark than ran over the blue-eyed man's wrist and back again. It was a deep cut, one of which had only healed recently.

"The difference between you and I is that I feel guilt for the things that I do. Every day since, I ran to a knife to seek forgiveness, because I love him. I love him, Lucy, and I'll keep doing it just because. Even if his happiness isn't me, if sure as hell isn't you, so please don't ruin this for him," Dan explained.

Speechless, Lucy blinked rapidly and backed away from him. She turned on her heels and walked away, chilled to the bone and at a complete loss for words for first time in her life.

"Don't let me ruin this for him, I don't trust myself," Dan whispered to himself, closing his eyes and putting his hands to his chest.

It was the bravest thing he'd done in his entire life, and he still couldn't believe that he had managed to do it. Falling in love, confronting a crazed witch and letting his feelings guide him, as well as admitting when he was wrong.

"I can't ruin this," Dan quickly realised his voice quiet and shaky.

He couldn't.


	12. Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for late updates, I've just been busy basically. to stop disappointing people i'm going to stop making promises. but this will definitely be finished by the end of this year. thanks to people still reading this, and the first part. reading the first part will keep you busy anyway. thanks so much loves. :')

Kyle had a bad feeling, he was deciding whether or not to act on that bad feeling. He managed to get the opportunity to decide when the others were out of the house, and he and Dan were left alone. Although, in some weird way, they'd gotten closer since their altercation in the studio, Kyle still felt as if the singer was being distant and secretive.

He'd been working up the courage for the past half an hour, and decided to go for it once Dan had finished calling his parents. A nervous Kyle sat on the sofa, tapping his feet against the wooden floor.

"Dan, are you mad about the whole Lucy thing?"

A moment of silence followed, and the singer looked at him as if he didn't know what he was talking about. When Dan walked towards him, Kyle flinched. That made Dan upset, and he looked down at the floor, taking two steps back whilst nervously poking at his fingers. The bearded man realised what he'd just done and apologised, though Dan would tell him that there was no need for him to be apologising for anything.

"No. No, God no."

Feeling relived, Kyle sighed, rubbing his arms. Dan's heart hurt watching him tense up few moments ago, but he had to deal with it.

"I want you to be happier," the singer admitted, and saying it hurt even more, but he knew it was a conversation they needed to have, or at least consider.

Of course, the brown eyed man shook his head frantically. The conversation was taking a dark turn, one of which they might never be able to get themselves back from.

"I don't want that. I want to be with you. I don't want to talk about this again," Kyle denied every fault that was in their relationship, even if made him upset to even think about it.

With that said, or rather, argued, Dan decided to give up and stood where he was awkwardly, not knowing what to say. There was a time when he'd always known what to say, but it seemed that time had gone. Slowly, Kyle walked towards him, observing Dan. There was a different look about him, his skin was paler and his blue eyes only seemed tired.

"I'm going to ask you to do a favour for me. Go like that, with your hands," Kyle instructed him, and his boyfriend did it without thinking, turning his hands so that his palms were facing the ceiling.

The bearded man realised his initial thoughts might have been wrong. He let Dan's hands linger. From what he could tell, the singer didn't seem very nervous. Kyle glanced at Dan's arms, but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. However, when his hands dropped to his side, Kyle grabbed Dan's right wrist forcefully. Dan winced, a clear expression of pain plastered all over his face.

The tears were already forming in his eyes, and he didn't want his theory to be right, and now that he was, he felt as heartbroken as he did before. The worst thing was that Dan just stood there, all emotionless, empty and nothing. Kyle couldn't bear it, he could hardly face it - no way was it happening. The man standing in front of him was one of the strongest people he knew, it shocked him, it _destroyed_ him.

"Please tell me you haven't," Kyle's denial to what was happening came out in a faint whisper, as if he had just been strangled.

A painful silence followed. Dan's gaze was on the ground. He hadn't prepared for Kyle finding out, because he honestly didn't think he would. The singer suspected that he would have healed before he would have even considered telling the bearded man what he had done. Dan knew it was always going to hurt Kyle, even if he was hurting himself, from the moment he started doing it. He felt a strange release from it, the kind of ecstasy that wasn't a drug.

"It's not harming yourself if you're aware," Dan protested, he wanted the conversation over and done with because he could barely stand it either, all e felt was wave upon wave of regret.

Kyle had never been the one to cry, even throughout their damaging friendship, followed by a relationship. Dan really wasn't sure why Kyle still wanted him, he couldn't have been doing so out of pity by that point - not after the things he'd said and done. The blue eyed man didn't expect him to stay either, it was only fair that Kyle went off with someone new. As much as he disliked Lucy, she was still a possible option, wherever the hell she was. It wouldn't kill Dan if that did happen, Kyle moving on, but it would paralyse him for a lifetime. He'd still be breathing, but barely.

"If you think that's justifiable, we need to talk," the bearded man mentioned, eyeing him slowly and carefully.

So the singer sat down, putting his hands together and sitting accordingly as if he was being made to go to church. Kyle asked him why he had been doing what he had been doing.

"You were hurting when I...when I did that to you. I figured...I figured it was only fair if I hurt too," Dan answered honestly, and that was the only way he thought he could explain it.

Suddenly, the bearded man sat next to him, gently taking the singer's hands and squeezing them. Dan winced slightly at the pain coming from his wrist and Kyle apologised profusely. Then, Kyle kissed his forehead gently and pulled him closer to his side. The singer was surprised at the gesture, but embraced it all the same as he closed his eyes, settled by his boyfriend's warmth as he started to fall asleep.

Feeling sympathetic, Kyle scooped him up in his arms and carried him to his bedroom, throwing a blanket over him. Whilst he was asleep, Kyle couldn't help sitting beside him to make sure he was okay, their conversation had been playing on his mind. Somehow, he braced lifting Dan's sleeve up so he could observe his cuts. It only made the bearded man wince himself as he wrinkled his nose, he just knew that it was painful - the marks were so deep and precise. It became clear that the diner had been slashing at his wrists for some time.

Gently, he traced the creases in the bedcovers in rhythm with the blue eye man's breathing.

"For reasons I can't say...I haven't been honest...I _wasn't_ honest with you," Kyle admitted quietly, thinking back to a voicemail he'd been playing to himself over and over again.

It was an old voicemail, Dan's voice. He'd forgotten how old it was, too. Of course, since he had a habit of overthinking things, it had always been playing on his mind.

"I didn't sleep with her. I can't tell you right now why I gave the impression I did sleep with her," Kyle finally confessed, even though Dan couldn't hear.

With that, he slid off of the bed, rising to his feet as he made his way into the living room to look for a pack of cigarettes. Once he found one, he took one out and smoked it outside. He felt a bit better getting that off of his chest. Even though he felt more relaxed with the nicotine in his system, there were some birds outside, but they were mocking him, taunting him. He felt annoyed, because even the birds could see right through him and he couldn't stand it.

Honestly, he wanted to run away from his problems thought he knew that he couldn't. That would be admittance to his failure, his lack of motivation to fix his own problems. It was strange, because a toxic person had come into his life, yet he still kept thinking about them. His relationship with Lucy was a strange one, even he wasn't sure what the hell was going on, but he felt as if seeing her would help him. However, he hadn't been able to track her down since her appearance at the studio. It was like she'd fallen off the face of the earth, and he was starting to get worried.

She was starting to become one of those people who didn't want to be found. Those kinds of people had gotten themselves in some deep shit to lead that lifestyle. It would be obvious that Kyle was putting himself in danger getting involved, but Lucy was intriguing and gave him that thrill Dan had never been able to provide. If he was younger, he wasn't sure whether he would have _gone there_. Of course, he liked to think that he wouldn't, but he had his needs too.

What scared him was that he didn't know what he could to for Dan - whether the self harming would continue to be a problem, what he could do to make it better or there was the horrible possibility of making the problem worse. At the same time, he knew the singer wouldn't want him to tell anyone because he had too much pride. The bearded man was stuck. To help him think, he exhaled the smoke through his nostrils, then took a deep breath to calm himself down.

Though, there was one person he could talk to. Claire had been a close friend of his for a while, she knew him well enough to welcome him into her home and ask him if he was okay. He didn't want to intrude on her life, but he was clueless. The kind of clueless that was dangerous, too. Just as he was about to pick up his phone and call her to get some advice, he heard the distant sound of footsteps.

"I didn't know you smoked," a voice observed.

Looking up, it was Charlie. Kyle could deal with that, because if it was Will or Woody, they would have killed him or questioned him silly about it. Kyle needed a coping mechanism because there was just too much happening in his life. As the bearded man eyed Charlie, the smoke blew back into the wind, travelling into the air and far beyond.

Without asking, Charlie took the cigarette from his hands, putting it to his lips. Watching him do that made Kyle giggle childishly. First of all, Charlie didn't smoke, he'd always been really against it - whenever they would get high, he resented smoking weed, he would rather eat edibles. He remembered having a similar conversation with Allistair about his smoking habits, though it had been shorter.

"That's literally an indirect kiss," Kyle pointed out, chuckling again because that was why he was laughing.

Too-cool-for-school Charlie just shrugged, not bothered by it. He secretly knew that Kyle was gay anyway and wasn't really bothered by it. Plus, he was forgetting something. As Charlie coughed at the overwhelming smoke clouds he was emitting, he turned to his friend for a moment.

"Then you'll be happy to know _I_ always finish your vodka on a night out because _you_ can't handle it," Charlie mentioned, making Kyle laugh, he'd always assumed that it was Dan.

Kyle wasn't expecting his cigarette back, and he was right not to, because Charlie held onto it. He must have missed the memo somewhere, as he was sure Charlie didn't smoke. Or he might have had too many drinks a couple of times on tour and never noticed.

"Hey, we're all thinking of going out for lunch tomorrow at that pub we like. Can you make it?" his friend wondered with curious brown eyes, and there was no way the bearded man could say no to those.

Really, Charlie was cute and there was no resisting him. He was like the little brother he'd always wanted. Kyle gave in, even though he had been informed Ralph and Allistair would be coming along. Somehow, he would get Dan out of it because he wasn't feeling his best, and it would be bad if anyone were to notice.

"Yeah, sure. I'd like that," the bearded man lied completely, as there were other things he would have preferred to do tomorrow.

Clearly, everything didn't go according to plan as the whole gang were gathered around a massive bench outside the pub, despite it being freezing and all their food had arrived.  Dan poked at his food, not wanting to eat it. He'd always been like that, which made Kyle roll his eyes because he was not going to go out of his way to eat his food. The pub was a nice one, and it would have looked even better on the inside but Ralph _insisted_ sitting outside.

It became clear why as he got up to go and smoke halfway through eating his food. Allistair complained relentlessly about him doing that, it had always been a bad habit of his (from that the guys implied they went out for food a lot since they currently lived together). Kyle really didn't want to be there. He wanted to be at home with Dan, taking care of him and paying more attention to him than he had been. It really hurt him when he found out.

Thinking back to what Dan had mouthed to him in the hospital, it was obvious that he felt the same. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to, but he knew it. There was a strong possibility that he loved the singer back, but the words wouldn't pass through his lips truthfully. Kyle might have said it before, but he hadn't meant it. Of course, he tried not to do that. Pretending that everything was fine was what had gotten them into the mess they were in.

The afternoon had turned dark and gloomy, with a hint of rain clouds in the sky. Kyle didn't need rainclouds to tell him that, he just had a feeling. He helped himself to some beers, including Dan's which Woody had gotten for him out of pity, but the singer wasn't going to touch it. He put that down easily, exhaling deeply. The conversation came intro he topic of Lucille. He should have known it was gonna go there.

"But why would she be following you since the day she met you?" Woody asked Kyle, trying to make sense of his theory.

The bearded man wasn't stupid. He trusted his guts and knew whenever he was right, and he had a bad feeling about that woman. The more he thought about her crazy antics and her unpredictable behaviour, the more uneasy he got. In fact, it put him on edge so much that he was starting to regret killing his liver for the past half an hour.

"You know she's gone missing," Charlie announced to everyone in passing, as if it wasn't important.

It was dark, and a silence fell over the whole table. Whether Charlie had wanted that dramatic effect or not wasn't clear, but it seemed to have worked either way.

When all eyes turned to Kyle, he was just about ready to flip the table and _lose_ his _shit_.


End file.
